TW WARNING (SUICIDAL TALK)

How do I keep fucking failing. 13 GOD DAMN TIMES NOW. ALL I'VE BEEN IS TRYING TO REST AND IT KEEPS FAILING. PILLS DONT WORK. AND I DONT HAVE TIME TO DRAIN MYSELF OUT. SO GOD DAMNIT WHAT DO I NEED TO DO ANYMORE. BLOW THE TOP OFF MYSELF!! Fuck.. I was so happy then one person says one thing and it all goes downhill... God damnit..