afternoon epiphany

the sun touched the hand that used to leave bruised marks all over my skin. i cried. the tears were colder than the weather. my windows are left open since 5am and i have never been bathe with so much life. the trees swayed with the wind, playing with the shadows and the dapples of sunlight, i think the ache gets a bit easier to carry as long as i let it out with each sighs. my chest weighs the same the night i tried to stop it from beating, but now im choosing to breathe slowly. inhale...exhale... until my heart finally knows how to be gentle and let go of the things that only worsens the bleeding. i made up a story in each bird that landed on the branch of the tree outside my room. it's no longer dusty in my room, i no longer sneeze when i stay here for hours. i have been laughing wholeheartedly, cried unapologetically long, and broke a sweat from too much dancing. the heart still stays wounded but i learned how to make it keep beating despite it all.

the world didn't change the night i tried to end my life. the neighbours' dogs never stopped barking even when i was crying for everything to stop. my hands remain trembling even with hopelessness. i crave so much life to forget how to live completely.

i wonder if this is what it feels like to live by choice.