just some thoughts.. !

i've never actually blogged before, or ever really had a diary when i was younger. i've always just kept my thoughts mostly to myself unless i shared them with my friends/family or notes app hehe. 

also sidenote!! my typing sound is minecraft deepslate blocks so its really fun typing... thonk thonk thonk ahh how i love you opera gx!!

anyways!

i currently have a journal but... i am awful at actually writing in it. for some reason i have this weird mental block about it. not only just because im a bit of a slow writer and more of a typer.. but i also feel this weird pressure to be coherent and poetic and know things and understand the world and myself and why i am the way i am. i write in a journal as if i am writing a television show of my own life. a script that watchers/listeners will enjoy and like me. in my silly little head it feels nearly impossible to write about my problems and deep inner thoughts for the fear that the air and breeze around me will find me unlikeable. i think i've gotten very tired of it.. 

i want to be able to exist and be comfortable with that! know that my thoughts are of importance no matter how silly they are or how silly they make me feel. i do not owe anybody anything. not aesthetics, not entertainement, nuffin!!

besides, this is awfully fun. talking to myself, in a way. its like how youtubers stare at a camera and believe that this right here is humanity and this hunk of metal is people who love me. who care to be around. if anything, i believe that the code in this page loves me. the 1's and 0's shall keep me company and comfort. it begs to hear my thoughts. and i will give in of course, you don't have to threaten me with a good time. besides! i think i love it too.