Hi there to anyone reading this !!

I'm Kyoot (prefered name online), a 19, almost 20 years old guy, and a very little time ago i was able to take the test to see if i was in the spectrum and guess what!!

The process of getting here was stressful, not because of difficulty but because of what i had to go thorugh specially this last year so i'll give context.

2 years ago i ended school and i had all planned for when i got out; i was gonna take a year for me to rest, all my life feeling bad because of an unsufferable routine i did not enjoy in any context made me go through a lot of mental, emotion, social and a long etc. pain so i thought it was the best for me and my mental health, but things happened, i got called to do the military service. When i got the news all i wanted to was cry, scream, i didn't know what to do, all my plans ruined, so i needed a solution, i had to study to exempt it that way which was horrible, i had to rush all processes cause i had no money to pay it myself and i didn't postulate to any benefits so i needed to do it quick to see if i could get them, but most importantly, WHAT THE HELL DO I STUDY? I had no choices to go to other city, i couldn't afford it and my city doesn't have the best options, "happily" i found one that was something i was very familiar with since child, digital animation & videogames so i had to take it.

Time passes by, i got gratuity and i went studying, since the very first day was hell for me, i was studying because of an external pressure, i never understood people, i didn't know how to make friends, all of this had me horrible mentally, i started having what i thought were panick attacks in the middle of the street while walking to my institute, at the time i was experimenting with my personal look, i dyed my hair half red, i started dressing different than most of the people of my city and there was no day a motherf****er would not scream at me while waiting for the public transport, this was even worse, there was a lot happening for me and i started decaying mentally so bad. Honestly, i was doing great in grades, there i had no problems, but in the social part, i couldn't connect with anyone and when i did, i was extremely anxious to talk to them first so i basically aparted me by myself (this is just a summary of what all i went thorugh).

So one day i had enough that i barely could get up of my bed, all i wanted to do was scream, run, cry, etc. My mom saw how bad i was doing and told me that if it was what i needed, i could stop studying, but the anxiety because of the military service was still there, what the hell do i do for that? So after a conversation, we decided i was gonna start going to the psychologist (which was from the public health so i had to wait a while).

In february of this year i finally got an appointment, since the very first session we talked about the possibility of me being autistic, and tbh, i saw it, recognized a lot of things in me but i didn't want to "suggest" myself, since there i started taking it as a possibility and everytime i was looking for more information, the more i felt represented, so after some sessions my psychologist told that it was a good idea to go take the test so we could work better depending on the results.

It took me 3 sessions of the test, very long evaluations, questions and stuff, and when we got the ressults, well, happens that yes, i am very autistic !! And tbh, i wasn't that surprised, neither i was sad, i just felt a weight off of my shoulders; i finally could name what i always felt all my life.

Suddenly a brand new world of understanding opened right in front of me, which left me thinking things i've lived since child. I went through a lot of school changes because of the bullying i was going through ALWAYS and every time worse, even since kindergarten, i remember this specific situation where it was recess and i started spinning in circles (i recently read that it is a form of stimming too and i didn't know), and this girl comes to me and starts copying me and spinning right at my side (why does it kinda sounds funny put into words LOL) and after some seconds she directly says out loud to me "my mom tells me to not play with you because you are weird", since there, my entire self-perception changed, i always said to me and to everyone that i was the "weird guy from the class" and that's why i always suffered bullying, and since i finally got the results i opened my eyes and questioned why did i let some awful people who got no education nor morals to change my entire perception of MYSELF, why did i try to understand them? Who tried to understand me?

I always say that school was my entire trauma of life, i could never get along with much people, the ones i had as "friends" always ended up being horrible people who always got advantage of me and my way of being, but i always was the bad guy somehow.

With people i always had misunderstoodments because of my way of being, they always thought i was rude, or annoyed so i unconsciously started to act more like them to fit in, every person i met, a new person to copy, that way i could fit "more", or at least get to talk to someone.

There was a time that i was left alone, not even one person would talk to me and all i did every single day was walking all the way through the school or being sat somewhere playing on my phone by myself, and sadly, everytime i got to fit with someone, for some reason we would stop talking, every single time. In my last year of school (2023), i had this group, we were 4 friends, but at almost the end of the year, i decided to stop talking to them, all they did was take adcantage of me, i did all their homeworks that were supposed to be in group and just to fit with them i would let them say the most hurting things to me, one that i always remember is that one said to me "you have the face of a psycho" and started talking to the others about that saying "don't you think?" and all laughing, while i did the same, cause how the hell am i supposed to react to that?

When i got away from them i felt kind of better? Idk, it was hard, even tho i was lucky to have more people who were nice to me and we would talk and stuff, i was not the type of person they would call a friend, i was just another good and nice person to them. 

I was so "socially awkward" that i didn't even talk to almost everyone in my classroom that year, and my teacher (who was very sarcastic) always made jokes about it, i don't think they were made in a bad mood, he was always nice with me, but was kinda sad cause it was something that i always wished was different. At the end of the year he made a recognition ot everyone in the class with a personalized degree to everyone, and in mine he put "to the most talkative and friendly classmate" (in a sarcastic way) tbh i didn't know to take that considering how bad i was doing at the time, but i just laughed about it to not be a "bad person".

It was almost time for the graduation party, and i didn't know if i should go or not, so i asked this people i used to talk and all told me "yes! you should totally go, is a one time thing that will never happen again", so i did go. I arrived and i thought there was gonna be at least one person i could stick to that night, but everytime i tried to talk to someone they left almost running, ofc, they had more important people, they had their friends, partners, and i had myself and my mind, thinking how bad i wanted to scream out loud, cry on the floor and rip my hair strand by strand. I was not more than any 1 hour or so there, calling my parents every 5 minutes for them to go take me out of there desperately, but they didn't want to cause it was so far from where we lived, but after insisting so much, they finally went to pick me up, i remember when my mom called me and said they were outside, i was sat in the table, with a lot of girls behind me because they were watching the EXTREMELY LOUD AND IRRITATING show that just started, i just stood up and started almost runnning, stepping on every girl's dress (not on purpose, i just wasn't thinking clearly and was desperate) cause they wouldn't move and i just wanted to get out of there, i couldn't think of anything else, i remember coming back home crying all the way through, i'd say one of my most traumatizing and sad situation to happen, i was left alone with a lot of people i didn't know, noise and lights that had me even more "anxious", or that's what i thought it was at that moment.

After all of this, and now that i finally know what and who i am, i feel kind of sad, but not because i'm autistic, not at all, but because how we didn't know before, it was always there, the way i acted, constantly stimming and making "weird moves", etc. is that no one noticed, when i was a child there was barely information of autism more than the typical stereotypes and to all i was just a shy kid. What makes me wonder, if we knew earlier, would they have treated me different? Would've that stopped the bullying? And apart from that, would i have still thought i was weird? How would i be now as a person? Thinking all this stuff and more makes me kinda sad, but i can't change the past, so thinking about it now, i wanna start being the real me, not a fake person i make up just to fit and not let anyone mistreat me anymore, that actually makes me happy, i finally feel myself!! I'm very excited of all of that part now tbh.

That's all i have for this blog! To anyone who stayed and read all, tysm! Writing all of this feels like a relief and i still have lots to say while i'm in this process of acceptance, unmasking and all so there will be more from me about this topic, my special interests and all the new things i learn from myself!!

To finish this blog i wanna leave this song here, i wanted to put it on autoplay while u could read but was not possible, since i heard it i felt so represented in here, i love it so much and has been great feeling represented so much!! (as well with more of AURORA's music, i've been listening to her a lot lately)

Thanks for reading!!