stupid vent idk (ew why does that sound corny) also tw sh and maybe suicide?

okay so i want ppl to notice my scars and ask if im okay, but whenever they do, i just deny anything and avoid talking. and like sometimes i try to get people to notice my scars, cause i want help, but now i feel like im seeking attention from them or smth and now i feel like a bad person. i am a bad person. i tell my loved ones that i'll stop cutting but i never do, and then they get mad at me for not stopping and when they leave i do it again, deeper. i fear i wont even make it past middle school, especially if i move again. i want to move, but if i do move i'll be even more lonely than i am again. i'm scared to break up with her when i move, cause shes already suicidal, and what if me leaving is her last straw? i don't know, might do it too. if my dad didnt take my razor last night i probably would have done something bad, cut deeper than i have before. He told me that if i kill myself he wouldn't be able to live anymore. i dont wanna ruin my whole family, but i dont know if i can keep going. i know it isnt worth it, but its so exhausting to just go outside. another thing that happened last night was that i went downstars cuz i was bored, and my dad thought i was drinking his alcohol and he got really mad. i didnt think about doing that until then. i might drink some tonight, thanks for the idea. im also on zoloft, and i think its bad to drink while being on it, but whatever. its also a shame he quit smoking, cause i would wanna try one. i prolly wrote too much, especially since im posting this, but i dont think anyone will read this. i thought i would feel better after writing this, but i guess not, cause now i wanna cry my eyes out, but i cant since im at school. anyways i hope u have a good day pooks