Ok with not knowing

Do I like the tactile that come with paper and pencil, or do I like the packaged convenience that comes with the click of each key? Do I like machines correcting the way my voice should sound or the mistakes that come with handwriting and with being a person? Why do we feel the need to make things a certain way? To have a certain order? Why do we constrain our voices with perceptions outside of our own? Why is it that the simplest of questions never seem to have a true answer? Do we cocoon ourselves in the predictability of routines and patterns because it sticks us together to create something bigger or are we afraid of a void?

Reality presents itself in different ways, we all know that. But I can't pretend I understand it. Where is this collective reaction leading us to? Is it possible to be an individual among a collective experience?

The answer to the question above may seem obvious but the true nature of the question is hidden within a wall of words and sentences. The answer could be: yes, it is possible to be an individual within a collective. But what does that mean? Having an experience and range of emotions occur in a specific way? Are there emotions beyond the curtains of the daily human performance?

Sometimes, none of this feels real. Like I've been taught to be a certain way. Am I consuming or being consumed? Am a collection of pieces of every voice I've heard, face I've seen, emotion I've felt? 

Action and reaction seem to be neatly tucked within the stroke of each tick, keeping the chaotic order of things. Waves traveling through these pockets of time. Are the events happening on a subatomic level independent of us or are they interacting with the world we exist in? Are we chasing answers that aren't meant to be known? Is our search for meaning chipping away at meaning itself? Why do we believe that meaning rests behind the veil of our realities? Is every act carefully orchestrated to create a certain way of being? I don't know and I don't think I want to.

Our reactions to this experience hold the ability to shape who we are. But sometimes, I feel like the limitations come from certain beliefs that have an ability to take hold of my mind. Like the one where I think I need to construct my life with the building blocks that are already conveniently picked out and handed to to me. Building blocks molded around the experiences that don't define who I am. Can I exist outside this limitation or am I meant to shape around it? There are days when my voice feels small, drowned by an overwhelming amount of collective sorrow. My solace rests in the hope that my thoughts and words will carry the weight that will steer me into a different connection with reality. 

I'm just rambling, I guess.