as sun sets, i am awoken. bc im a vampire.

my cat, in her excitement, manages to intertwine herself with my mothers moving legs and she gets stepped on. she yelps a pain across the house and through the walls and it scares me awake. it strikes my heart and i am scared, for a moment her pain is mine.

i hear my older sister laughing and conversing with my mum in a distant room and i am confused as to why its happening. my sister doesn't live here, and my mother is supposed to be at work by now, so what has changed in my short absence to make this be ?

the adhesive glue that i'm allergic to is still resident on my skin, leftover from an earlier hour of the day. it binds me to my bed and it brings the sheets in close to my wounds. red skinned, blistered, and wistful. i could fall back to sleep again being cradled by the warmth of my irritated skin. 

ill carry myself along the way of a perfect circle. and down this unchanged path i hope to find the courage i need to know you.

i don't want to be alone.

and to pick off parts from the things you love, all that good you find in someone else, and to take it and let it flourish inside of you, even though you know that original thing you loved will never be the same again, forever changed, to do this in spite of it all, is the greatest act of divinity and worship of self. 

so love. love in your all. love in jealousy and admiration. love in care, and care enough to hate because you love in passion and you love to fulfill. love in a way that's undesirable, shameful, and emotive. love vile, love disgusting, love tender and bruised. love bloodied and bared, raw and thinned out, for who is to say it is not that but of uttermost purity if you do it so authentically ?

oh but even so, i fear roaches just as i fear god. they both witness my disgusting habits, and the concept of sinner is placed upon me. there is a difference between the two though, and that is one is repulsed by me, and one is consumed by a feeling of limerence for me. but the question, who is who ?

and i think i understand it. we both know and we are both so aware of it, but you've remained blissful, and i've followed suit by acting the same, acting indifferent to it. you acknowledge my existing in this divergent nature but its limited. your efforts go no deeper than outermost skin and i let it. in a way i am sorry i am not your daughter, but im also unsure you'd want that to be the case anyways. i am a reflection of you, and i can see it in the reflection of your eyes looking in mine. i am every bad attribute there is to you and you have to stare it in the face, swallow your own vomit. 

and so you find yourself on an Aprils night and you solemnly swear you'll die, and as if inevitable, it will be by your own hand. so fall asleep dying and lie awake dead. morning sun will act as the natural cradle, carving itself to the silhouette of a limp body with a beating heart.  

heart beats for one day more, then two days more, then three weeks more, seven months more, and one year more. one year more. one more. a scar will stay but skin cells change and you have changed and so has everything else. one night, the world did end. then next morning came and night did follow, and so did the song of a morning bird and dewy grass stained the trim of your pants. people walked the streets, not fighting the end of the world but living it, because the world did end, but it didn't stop.