A damaged mask

Author's note: this is pure fiction. It was posted at first on a site named pov21.com, but the site is down. Also, triggers: blood, death, and car accidents. 

I was getting ready to go to school. I was thinking about how the day might go, thinking if it will be like the others, wearing the same mask and fooling the same people and making them think that everything is fine. The same day, I have to always think about others and their needs and their expectations of how I should live my life. 

I was brushing my teeth as my mind drifted to this kind of thought, choosing which “me” I should display today to look likeable. I got to the kitchen in order to get breakfast. My mom was watching me, analyzing my every movement, and said, ” Why do you dress like that?” I ignored her. And do not think that I was dressed in an indecent manner. No. I was actually wearing some baggy jeans and a flannel to keep me warm. 

As I was getting out, the cold morning air hit my lungs, and I had to adapt to the cold as I took some breaths of fresh air. The city was kind of crowded, and there was a lot of movement around me. What I like about these crowded mornings is that you can easily blend in. Nobody cares who you are, what you represent, and whether you are honest with yourself or not. People running around like ants, each following the path that had been chosen for them, and some of them not being able to escape that. It’s somehow calming that you don’t have to pretend when you are in a crowd... How nice it is…. I was getting tired. 

As I was waiting for the traffic light to turn green in order to cross the road,. I was zoning out again, thinking about what it will be like to get run over by a car. Thinking that it would be a possibility to get away from all these lies and the fake life that I’ve created because of my incompetence of not standing up for myself…

The traffic light turned green, and as I was crossing the street, I was looking at the cars coming in my direction, thinking, “ Run over me, please. I’ll be able to…

{A sound of an impact has been made audible in the air. I was watching around. People would get a worried look on their faces, but I couldn’t quite understand why they were being like this. I hear a siren in the distance. I look at the direction of the sound, and I can see an ambulance. People were getting down around me, and now I could see what actually happened. Somebody actually listened… I could see my body down next to my feet, unconscious and losing colour as the seconds passed. The paramedics took me with them to the nearest hospital. I was there in the ambulance with them and my body. It was so weird seeing me like that. I had a relieved face when it happened. As we reached the emergency room, I was transferred to the operating room. I was sitting in the back of the room, watching how the doctors started to operate on my body in order to bring me to the state of existing again. I can’t quite say back to life, because that was just existing and creating illusions in order to survive. But I think that that brought me to this happening. I guess that even though I was hoping for an escape, I was not ready for it yet. “Look at you, Joanne,” I said as I was staring at my body on the operating table. “ Even though you wanted to die, you still fear death.”

“Why would you fear me ?” I turned my head in the direction of those words and I could see myself, but something was wrong. The Death’s face was shadowed, but not by shadows, but by thoughts, like someone who has been miserable their whole life. And I acknowledged that she was a reflection of my true self. No more masks...just me.

“ I guess I was not ready yet. But I keep thinking, even in this state, of what people would think of me. Will they be sad that I am dead or they won’t even know, like it usually happens? I said.

“But you wanted an escape. Are you not tired?”

“I am. And I think that in the end, I will come with you, this being the first decision I make for myself and not for somebody else. I guess I need to process that I am finally free“.

“Take my hand,” said Death. As I was reaching for her hand, I felt like someone broke the chains, the mask, and the cage I was sitting in for a long time. But something started to feel wrong again. I heard some beeps in the background as I was watching Death Leaving Me Behind. BEEP… BEEP… BEEP… No… Take me with you...}

...escape.” I opened my eyes... Not again... It can’t be...

I was at the same traffic light, waiting just in the same spot as before for the light to turn green. But something was different. I was trying to look around, but my body didnt move the way I wanted it to. It was like the moves that I wanted to do were not part of the script. The light turned green, and as I was crossing the road, I turned my head in the direction from which the car would have been coming, but it was not my will to move it. And then I could see the car speeding at me again. It was the same scenario as before. 

Once again I am at the traffic light, but this time, on the other side of the street, as the cars would be speeding on the road, I could see death staring at me. That is when I understood that we as humans should be very careful what we wish for, because the thing that we think would be our salvation can actually be a never-ending hell.