my head -vent?- (ignore spelling mistakes)

‎12/‎05/‎2025   9:11:17 PM. my heart beats hard and fast, my brain not proecessing the things around me. my hands dont feel like mine, my legs feel numb when i walk like they're taking me where i dont choose and i cant control the way they move. my body feels heavy even tho i dont weigh that much, something is always feeling wrong with it, nothing is ever just right.  my head is excited, excited about the unknown or what would happen if i went against everybody and just said all my opinions and thoughts about things and other people. but my brain is afraid, its afraid of failing, of not making the most of being the age i am, of getting older. every year is closer to something bad but i dont know what, whenever i think about it it makes me panic, and i have to stop thinking. like it dosent want me to know. im afraid of death, im afraid of not being concious, not knowing whats happening, never waking again. im scared something will happen and no one will hear it, like i'll have a heart attack but no one will know because im alone in my room and they come in too late and i couldn't do anything about it.

i hate going to school, i find it useless, i learn something twice a week at most, its like a waste of energy that i could be doing something else, like going to melbourne and having experiences like going on trains, or places im not meant to go, just to experience it. and im scared of being left behind, my mind wants to go against my younger friends and it thinks my older friends are going to go against me because i dont fit them right.

i have a love-hate relationship with therepy and hospitals. i like therepy because its a place to just rant, but i hate it because its just talking to a stranger that gets payed to say if you're a danger or not. i love hospitals because i know if sometjing happens i'll be ok, and im taken care of, and i can act how i want and its just showing the true me and how my mind works, but i dont like them because there might be bad patients there that will try to kill me.