Removing something precious

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT INTEND TO OFFEND ANYONE NOR TO INFLUENCE ANYONE

I often felt exhausted from worrying about my mental health, the anxiety and insecurity that I had been experiencing for the past four years had yet to heal. The last thing I knew, a woman with this kind of depression would not be fit to be a mother, let alone find a husband who could help them heal and grow. 

In a relationship, I became an avoidant person, because in my broken mind, every person I was attracted to was either too good for me, out of my league, or... they were already someone partner. When someone came into my life and started to build a spark, I chose to disappear and leave them when they became awkward or bothered me too much. I don't know how to react or talk to someone who looks interested towards me, but I always end up being too clingy and annoying to someone who doesn't even care about me. In this new era where finding someone who can tolerate anything about you, pure and genuine feelings is difficult, it makes someone young like me become confused and lose the true meaning of love.

About two years ago I met a guy who told me he liked everything about me. At first I thought we had a lot in common, but we did not. He was very obsessed with his appearance and masculinity. He always felt insecure about his skinny body, his acne, his tanned skin, and that he had no abdominal muscles and so on. Although I always told him that I didn't really care about that as long as he was healthy and I always reminded him not to overexert himself just because he wanted to look masculine.

He always encouraged me to be like him, obsessed with gym and building muscles. One day he asked me about my weight and I said I weighed 38 kg, I was a teenager then and due to covid, my body was weakened and I was still in the process of gaining weight again. When he learnt that, he sounded disappointed and told me that I should eat more, ‘yes, I eat more but it's not that easy’ I told him. But he said, ‘You should eat more than three times a day and maybe drink protein milk or something’, it sounded like he was forcing me. He always told me that doing weights would help me gain weight and build muscle. While I choose to do pilates, swimming and simple jogging because I don't really like doing strenuous exercise. 

He didn't like skinny girls like me. I saw some videos with ‘muscle mommy’ content and he always liked every video that also appeared on my fyp. This made me so fed up that our relationship ended and now we don't communicate at all.

At that moment, I realised how naive I was. Nowadays people care not only about your personality, but also your appearance. I cried for a week because I thought too much about the words he said to me. Is it just because a girl who has a skinny body and flat chest can't receive love too? Why do I have to change myself just to get validation from men? Why is appearance so important in their eyes? 

After my relationship with him, I started to become an avoidant person. His words and actions hurt me a lot and I hate that I still miss him sometimes. Why should I miss a jerk like him? He hurt me so much.

Lately I've been thinking about having my breasts and womb surgically removed, or maybe donating my womb to some women who already have a partner they love and really want to continue their lineage. It's not that I'm gay or anything like that, in fact I'm not attracted to any gender. I want to remove it because I don't want to keep this burden and insecurity in my head, I want to rid myself of these bad thoughts. I don't know if I can recover from this nightmare, it keeps getting worse and killing me slowly. I just want to live alone with myself and find happiness without a man in my life. 

When I am having a good day and read a few words about this context in my diary, I always end up crying, As the only daughter in my family, I can't actually say that I can live alone. I also wanted someone who can always be by my side, listen to me, laughed with me, cry with me, and giving me sweet words and gentle affection. I have loving parents who love each other very much, respect each other and can let go of their egos because they want a happy marriage and they are really serious in their relationship as husband and wife. When I was born and now growing into an adult, they still take care of me and give me all the love and protection they can even though  sometimes I hurt their feelings. Both my parents are ambiverts, so they stay at home more than they go out with their friends. When they finally had me, they chose to hang out with me, every weekend or every day when they could. 

When I was in my naive days, I thought I could be like my mum. I dreamed of having a relationship like my parents had. Finding a man like my dad, getting married, having children and living happily. Although not always happy, but at least we could continue to be together and face every situation, condition and problem that existed between us.

But I guess I have to bury that dream or maybe burn it and let the ashes evaporate into the air. 

Sincerely, Rei