what people need to understand about me and my ex boyfriend. (vent)

tw: mention of sexual stuff

some people dont understand, whenever I talk about what happened, people think it was my ex who did somthing bad and that it wasnt my fault. But it was, cause he never did anything wrong.

when we were together, I went to his house, and his parents let us alone, so, we were cuddleing, and he wanted to, you know, touch me more, ha asked like more then 25x if I was okay before touching me, and everytime I answer yes because, I wanted it, but, I lied, I wans't ready at all, I was scared, what if I disapoint him ? what if he hate me ? so he touched me a bit, and then saw that I wasn't confortable and stopped it, I remeber him saying somthing like "Sorry, maybe it was too much, are you okay ?" like, he was so kind , but, I dont know why, I still feel bad about it, it's like, I've been r@ped or somthing because I lied, he never did anything wrong, he was perfect, so I would like to people stop saying he wasn't good for me, because, when we were together, it was the best time of my life and now that we broke up, it's gonna be a year since we broke up, I'm stil not over him, and I saw him with this one girl who used to be my friend and, im sure there is somthing between thoses two, and I'm happy for him but..... I'm still jeaouls.....

the reason of why we broke up was, me finding out i'm trans, him being straight and him being mean to my friends (he was really jealous of my relationship with my friends because, we are really , idk , like, sexual joke betwen us 24/7) so yeah, we broke up, and I still have everything he gave me, and i miss him, and he probably find someone, a girl that would not disapoint him like i probably did.....

sorry, It's been sp long that i wanted to talk about it, but, i can't never vent, like, i can't say that i've been touched without consent  when i said yes 300x and that i still feel bad about it,  people would either think im over reacting or that my ex did somthing bad

It was my fault....