im giving up

a while ago there was an award ceremony at my school. each student attending the ceremony was carefully picked and each received awards for honor roll, perfect attendance, and teachers best students. i know it’s childish, but im upset i didnt even get a single award. i worked my hardest this year for good grades, but i still have a C in math. there are kids with straight F’s that got awards, and i didnt. i didnt even get picked by any of my teachers. i do my best to communicate politely with my teachers and i am very quiet and respectful in class. i don’t understand why i didnt get at least one award. this really makes me realize how little i get picked. nobody ever wants to be friends with me or talk to me or text me at all. nobody finds me attractive, in fact most consider me ugly. most people think im stupid based off of first impression or think im autistic. when i was in 3rd grade i recieved an award for kindness. that was the first and last award ive ever received. in that same year i was temporarily placed in a special needs class because my teacher, as well as other staff members, had believed there was something wrong with me. to this day i wonder if there is. i wonder if this whole thing is the reason im so different from others, so outcasted by not only peers, but the adults around me who are supposed to at least show that they care. im done and i think im starting to give up. i keep failing and falling on my knees and i will never be enough for anyone. even my boyfriend thinks im too much sometimes. i feel sick of my own soul and i can’t continue coping with it.