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here we ago i sincerely apologize
i'm genuinely not sure how to describe any of this besides being completely made up by myself and i'm aware of that.Â
for some time now, i've been categorizing people based on their personality. for example, my categorization would be B1 while my friends would typically be in B1-B3. the B category is for weird theater/artsy kids. someone who's sporty would be C1-C3. stuff like that. people who are in the B category will likely get along with me while anyone else wouldn't??? again, i know that's not how people work and i don't know why i think like this.Â
now, here's the weirdest thing: i've always been insecure because i feel like i don't "match" with myself. for example, i LOVE 80s rock/metal but i also love the summer aesthetic or style or whatever you'd like to call it. that doesn't match to me. 80s rock/metal is black while the summer vibes is a pale tangerine to me. compared to others in my life, what they do seems to match who they are. like one of my friends loves anatomy/physiology but he also loves cooking. to me that matches?? the anatomy/physiology is like a dull lime green but cooking is a pale cream.
i'm not sure when i began to think like this, but it might've began back in november when i started to question if i liked my name or not, now that i think about it. i know this isn't how people actually work and we're all diverse for a reason but i can't help but be upset over this. i've literally made up my own insecurity. how.Â
i've been trying to think a little differently as a compromise, for now. rather than being one of those "starter pack" images to describe who someone is, it should more be a spectrum, similar to how colours are typically shown in a colour wheel. with my personal example from earlier, 80s rock/metal could be viewed as a pale/less vibrant black while the summer vibes can be seen as a more vibrant tangerine or baby pink. those go together. they match. right?
it's currently pitch black outside, a thunderstorm beginning, and i realized that i love those dark, detrimental thunderstorms but i love a sunny day.Â
like i feel as if i were a walking contradiction while everyone is in sync with themselves.Â
at least i recognize and i'm actively working on the issue?? infinitely better than ignoring the issue like i would've tried by now if i weren't me today. if it were me last year i would've ignored the issue, that's what i'm trying to say here, lol.Â
uhhh yeah ty for reading :3
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Nicola/Niki/Nic
Do what feels right, do what you're comfortable with and, most importantly, do what YOU like. There's no such thing as 'matching'. I'm nowhere near emo, but I do love a few of my emo songs, and you could say they don't match me, but it doesn't matter because it's what I like. Back when I was 17, I would dress emo, not heavily, but I would never dress like that now because I don't like it on me, and I'd say it doesn't suit me. (I would probably slay that shit). Try focusing on what you like, your personality. Your looks don't have to match with what you like unless you want them to and you like it. So many things, and your likes and your looks will change because you're finding yourself. Let me tell you, the amount of aesthetics I've gone through in the last few years is insane; the amount of clothes I would buy that I would never wear in 6 weeks is crazy. I blame that on trends though Whether you like it or not, social media gets in your head, and you end up following trends that aren't you just because they trick you into thinking its you just because everyone else is doing it.
sorry for the late reply, i just saw this TnT
but thank you for your kind words, i definitely feel less alone with loving stuff that doesn't truly "fit" who i am. i feel infinitely better <3 <3
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