(u_u)....

{For the sake of this blog lets call him Aster}

I graduated high school at 17, later that same year I got into university! I lived a hard life growing up and so me and my family were so happy when I got into uni! 

At the beginning of the year during my first semester, I didn't even knew he existed.. well okay that's an exaggeration, I knew he existed but I never paid any mind to him so I basically didn't knew him. He sat at the very opposite end from where I sat in class.

First sem was a breeze! I made new friends, laughed, goofed off and chatted along. Did my presentations without singling out anyone's gaze on me, on some breaks I take a walk with my friends and on most breaks I liked to sit with my lonesome listening to my favorite piano pieces as I immerse myself in the world of the books I used to read! I needed nothing but myself , a book , a good playlist and my headphones. We used to turn on the air conditioning, keeping the big classroom a nice cold temperature and turning off the lights in class during breaks as some would like to sleep during that time, so I had this mini reading light to help me read. I was getting better with my anxiety, renewing myself in a way and healing, trying to become the best version of myself possible.

All was fine in my life until our medical training month came along, It was after the semester just after our finals, we call it clinical training or just "clinicals'. On a December night, that one damn December night.

We had one month To complete our competencies, they separated us into random groups and by random I mean really random groups and placing us in a ward in the hospital with each of us having a nurse-guide or what we call them "preceptors" to observe us and sign out our competencies, basically forcing us to interact with different people from our class\batch and we are well over 60 students so at the time no one knew anyone except who sat beside them at class.

So here I am in a group with four other people who are from around one to three years older than me. I noticed him then, he was the only guy in the group, unfortunate for him... 

As we all got to know each other, working together, going on breaks together, making memories. There was that one night in December, the time where new years was nearing. Me, a girl in our group and Aster were sitting in a little corner together in the station, it was a night shift and a slow, calm one at that so we were just having a little nice conversation though after a while the girl left then it was just me and Aster, somehow the conversation got a little deep, I shared a little something and he was surprised, not expecting my answer to be what it was to his question that isn't as deep when you first hear it.

Oh god but I swear it was he way he said it "I'm so sorry for you" a simple fucking statement. It sounded way more soft and romantic in our local language! how the hell was that even possible. The genuine way he looked at me in the eye, tilted his head a little to the right and softened his voice when he said it to me, how I hate that his eyes looked like they had stars on them. My palms started to sweat, my heartrate accelerated like I've ran a marathon. "Cute" is what the voice of my brain came up with, god's sake Em get your head out of the gutter! He's looking at you with pity! I started to become way too much aware of him, of is presence around me, suddenly I felt like we were too close, when were our knees touching? Did he always smell this good? Looked this cute? I started to notice too much too fast my whole body was warming up rapidly that I was so grateful the girl came back. He commented that her voice and accent were pretty. I noticed that too... A feeling pooled in my gut that I wasn't fond of in the slightest.

I tried to leave it at that I really did... But then I kept on noticing, noticing and noticing. My brain was doing so without my consent! The way his smile stretched his face how his eyes were still ever so big and deep whenever he did and how taller he is than me how attractive I found the sound of his laugher to be. Where there was this one time we were working in a shift and he volunteered to help me lift something as I had to check it and our shoulders were way too close!

Fast forward we grew very close, throughout our in between semester break we texted and texted then during second semester I changed my seating to sit behind him, before I knew it every break in the dark, cold class room he would come sit beside me and we would whisper and talk about anything and do anything even if it was just eating together or playing on an iPad or drawing on my notebook. No longer did my headphones and books accompany me on my breaks and suddenly whenever I do have the headphones on every song was suddenly about him! So many moments alone with him that without noticing I started waiting for his texts and looking for him in every crowd.

It all felt meaningful to me and he seemed to be genuinely interested in me but I always told myself that he was just being nice and that we're good close friends but low and behold my heart is a fool. On his birthday I gave him a CD of his favorite album of an artist he likes, I wrapped it up in multiple wrappers, under each gift wrap a small, short note starting with "Dear birthday boy" following it with how much I appreciate and admire him. About 10 in total. When he arrived back home, he texted me about how much he loved it and read every single one of those notes...

 How he did not get the hint was beyond me.

There was a moment that we had, stood out to me. After an exam during our first year, third semester. We finished the exam, I was done first and stayed out in the hallway to wait for my friends, as more and more people filled the small narrow hallway, he came out. Stood in front of me leaning on the wall behind him, I sat at the couch in front of him, some of my friends already filled the couches. I was looking down on my lap, but I knew he was there... a minute and I looked up. Staring at me are those big eyes of his, how I hated that I couldn't look away at how the sun from the small window through the door shines on them making them so very honey like.

We had a little fall out on our second year, third semester. He ignored me for three whole days until he texted me to apologize apparently rumors about us dating were starting to float up the surface, after talking it out both in text and face to face, we decided to not care about it so it won't affect our friendship in anyway because how others view us truly doesn't matter, plus this isn't high school anymore people were being childish! Is what we said when we hung out at work again.

Following through by the second year and last semester of university it as all mostly clinicals in the hospital and yes our groups constantly changed, we started to not talk as much as we did these past two years, still had a crush on him.

I noticed he started to text me only during exams and tests, topics only about university and work. nothing beyond that, nothing like how we used to talk. It's a busy season I told myself and it's true we were nearing graduation we had to lock in. Though whenever I texted him I started to notice how he was kind of on and off, how sometimes he would converse and text more but then suddenly dry "Idk, idk what to say". Was he always like this? Have I just noticed this now? No way right? he used to compliment me, we picked a flower and gave it to me, we texted even during tests so what changed? 

I kept that flower on my hair, sticked it onto my journal after I got home.

Graduation. We were six months into our last training in a department we will be working at. Six long hard-working months, the entire class was scattered around the big hospital, half of us migrated to a different hospital to work at so some of us had to say some goodbyes to our friends. all of us grew apart as we started our first year of officially working. We sometimes find one another by coincidence around the first two months since our papers were still being processed so we would all go to some meetings and maybe sometimes see each other in the HR. He worked at the same hospital but different building, so I basically never saw him even though my department is in a hallway connecting the two buildings. Out of sight out of mind, right?

Oh, and at graduation? he didn't come. I was glad. 

NOTE: Go to part 2 of this blog for the conclusion & self-reflection. If you stayed until the end do comment your favorite number! because I'll be surprised if someone actually stayed to read me yapping about my uni failed situationship LOL. Please comment on what you think of this! I'm very curious!!

-Em<3