depression

One year ago, I was in the worst state of my life.At home it was and it is not easy and either at school.

I was sinking really really deep and the only thing I wanted was help.

But I can't express myself. I couldn't talk about me. I was embarrassed about me, who I became.

In this period, I started eating, eating, eating every time something was wrong.

I skipped school at least 1 time per week. I stayed on my phone the whole night and I would go to sleep at 6am.

I would cut my skin off.

After that period, obviously a lot changed.

I stoped doing sport at school, with was one of the things I would have killed myself for.

I needed to start studying again, because I completely stopped at the time. 

And I gained weight.

My pelvis is very big and I have belly fat.

My thighs are big too. 

Since 3 years, even before depression, I did some workouts.

It started from 10 minutes workouts to more.

But during these 3 years, I would do the workouts for one week, start eating healthy for one week, started being productive one week and then shut down again.

Sometimes I was just holding 3 days and then sinking again, I would start again on Mondays and say to myself: It's the one now.

Start 2025 I thought that I would pull through , I would achieve my goals( I have a lot) and become skinny.

These year, I improved a bit. I study for school, but not enough, like I wanted. I learned some things in Korean and Japanese but not as much like I wanted.

I stopped cutting my skin, I went to school more. I draw again.

Now I'm almost at the end of the school year and I'm going into high school.

I'm still addicted to my phone, still not fat but not skinny, but in the horrible in-between, I have short pink hair, I am not that good at school, I can't talk Japanese and Korean, neither good German, I can't draw like I used to.

All the things that I wanted to achieve, I didn't. 

And I'm not skinny.

I am not skinny.

At the start of the month I was doing okay, doing some sport, eating healthy. And then I was sick.

Now I just eat again, a lot, lot. Like last year, I dont remember the last time I did some sport

Yesterday, I cutted myself again.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping w my mother and 2 of my sisters for my birthday. I had to choose an outfit, but I am so ugly. I dont even have my blonde hair anymore, one of the thing I liked the most about me.

I am not skinny but not fat. I have short pink hair.

I hate myself and I can't change.

I can't alone, I'm fucking weak, I'm weak

Almost the end of the school year and I'm drowning

It's too difficult 

I need help, but I know that no one is coming to help me, no one.

Someone like in the movies, who will be here, and really help me, every day..

I know it will not happen but a part of me still believes it will.

I know that I need to take my life in my hands and make things so I can achieve my dreams, all my dreams, but it's difficult. 

I'm so weak and I'm in this vicious circle, and I can't come out.

I'm sinking, sinking deep again

Will I sink even deeper, or will someone catch me before?