confronting my mental state while being desi

auhgghh tw for heavy topics (mental health, sh, suicide). this is gonna be hard to write so if I come off as offensive or anything pls forgive me m( - . - )m im gonna try word this properly but its hard for me.

I feel like my mental health has been worsening. somewhat. I really dont like saying that a lot, because its quite hard when you've been raised to just brush everything off. 

my mom is probably the mot resilient, brave person I've ever met. she's been through so much, and is still happy, so sometimes I feel like I need to act like her yanno? thug it out. 'im fine lol nothings wrong wdym??' type mentality.

also asian families. 

im asian (desi) and if you're desi too you KNOW damn well wtf im talking about...we're insane. most of us. but majority of the older generation is actually borderline psychotic. im sure this is the case in other cultures too. 

my family (asian side) has been raised frankly in my opinion VERY abusively; punishments sounded very tough (no food, beatings yada yada) and frankly, life is tough in third world countries (where im from)—so obviously you're gonna be shaped by that. so maybe thats why most of my dads side r a bit odd! very odd!...strange!!

they're very egoistical I think. they enjoy bragging ab themselves to people (my dad especially—no shade) and think they themselves are the standard of what people should be. they say it themselves. the in laws r alright, but its just my dads bio family that are like this. I dont blame them honestly. they had a very tough upbringing. 

so where does my mental health come into this? 

im kinda confident in saying that mental health as a whole is a VERY taboo topic in desi culture. I feel like its brushed off a lot. hell like even conditions are seen as 'not real' sometimes or like 'its just in ur head🥺!!! stop being depressed!!👿'. obviously this is NOT good for anyones health but its become so normalised and engrained imo. 

this alongside my families slight narcissism adds up to create a not so mental health friendly space. so it isn't really a surprise that I turned out that way. even typing the word 'mental health' kinda cringes me despite me struggling with it. sorta of an internalised thing I think. 

I dont wanna believe I struggle with my mental health. I really really dont. I want to be 'normal'. I dont want to believe that I need psychotherapy. I deny that I need it but I used to pray for it.

its,,, very hard. quite hard actually. my dad tells me that im the 'normal' one—my brother is autistic and needs 24/7 care. im supposed to be 'normal' in his eyes; balance it out maybe?

 I wanna believe that im 'normal'. but the thought of me not (by some chance) actually makes me laugh. how could I not be 'normal' (have mental health struggles)?? I really hate thinking about it, so I dont.

 I repress it deep down. its uncomfortable typing this. I feel really weird. I hate confronting this part of me that I have half-convinced myself isn't real. my culture has played a role in this no doubt, which I why I bought it up in such detail. I feel like its something that is hard to explain to foreigners who may not be aware of our culture. I look insane when I do. 

I dunno. Im still on a fucking waiting list for my psychotherapy. I've been oscillating between 'LOL WHATT I DONT NEED THERAPY😮‍💨😮‍💨😭😭😭🔥🔥🔥🙏🙏LMAOO IM NO PUSSY WTF THATS FOR WEAKLINGS' 

and 

'oh my god please please please I need to talk to someone im going to rip my skin off please god oh my god why does everyone hate me why can't I socialise oh my god'

its,,,,exhausting. really it is. I feel like I sound like some stuck up prick but im really tired of this.            

 my culture feels suffocating. the expectations to be 'normal' is suffocating. my mind Is always split like this—the more 'rational therapy-is-for-losers-mental-health-is-a-fraud' side and the 'okay-maybe-you-need-help-this-isnt-normal' side. 

maybe thats why I wanna be diagnosed with something so bad. to tell myself that there is something wrong, and that there was a reason for all of this. there was something wrong.

I fear that if not—that I do not have any conditions— then I am just over dramatising my feelings and that I never needed any help. I am a 'drama queen' and 'dramatic'. thats terrifying. it doesn't sound like it, but for me that is horrifying. 

I dont know. really. I dont know where this is going. no ones gonna fucking read this far or click on this anyways so im really just screaming into the void. my feelings have always felt invalid. 

I joke about it. about being sad and wanting to kill and cut myself but my god have I tired. I have. I have. im not joking. I just want to be loved and looked and acknowledge for once in my pathetic life. I've never had a good friend. everyone I've met has emotionally abused me in one way or another or has just been off. maybe I am off? the way I act is off. I can't socialise for shit can't i. the future seems bleak for me.

im gonna end this here. I highly doubt that anyone would relate to this. sorry if I sound offensive. im sorry please dont hate me. god that sounded weird okay im logging off now