my late bloomer curse (diary 250516)

spaceheyyyyyy!

i havent been on here in months and it's nice to see how people are still active. so strange how life goes on without ya. summer is almost here and i'm so freaking lonely. it's funny because i'm not actually alone. surely my mother will find the time to share with me, and i'll talk to my sister too. i literally have plans to hang out with my friends as much as possible, and i'm hoping to see a few friends i haven't seen in months too. i'm excited for that! i'm excited to spend my summer with my beautiful friends in beautiful nature but god, yearning finds me still and loneliness is such a buzzkill.

last year's summer fling taught me so much about love and myself, and while i have no desire to get back with him, i miss dating so bad. it's hard though, to put myself out there. social anxiety has pinned me my whole life and dating has always been so foreign to me. it's a marvel to me i even got a boyfriend at all. i was never really known, to be honest, i still don't think i'm very known and i know it's my own fault. in recent years i've been trying to work on myself and i'm taking my baby steps. i'm trying not to keep things to myself, trying to be more vulnerable with my friends, trying to choose kindness, and i'm trying so so hard but i feel like i'm pretending. i always feel like i'm pretending and for the first time in my life when i was with my ex, i felt so real. i could tell him how i really felt, what i wanted and he would listen. he would always listen. even if it was stupid. it's like i could say and do anything with him without this intense fear of being judged. he made me feel so happy, and so safe and i wish i could feel like that again. i'm ready to have that connection again. sadly i'll never meet anyone if i never try, but i feel like i got so lucky the first time around that surely my future is doomed.

i can't help feeling so behind. i never dated as a teenager, all girls school made sure of it and though some of my peers were entertaining boys, i wasn't really interested. for a while i thought i was aro because i never even had a crush, but that all changed after i met him. i didn't think i had the capacity for love, i felt like maybe i was just meant to be alone forever but after meeting him, i know that i have so much to give. but that's even worse somehow. knowing that i desire to connect with someone so deeply again and the only thing in my way is myself. how do i get out of this?

i got asked out some time ago and i canceled last minute. looking at it now, i feel like that was self-sabotage. i don't think i was 100% ready to date back then, but i got so in my head that i convinced myself the date would be horrible. i thought he'd have bizarre expectations of me, what if he wanted to kiss right away? what if he was so rude to staff and i just had to nod along? what if he touched me and i couldn't even say anything? what if he was crazy? it's hard because i'll never know. i just canceled and he took it well. simply put "that's okay :) take care" and it totally ruined me. knowing that my own anxiety held me back from what would've probably been a pretty mediocre date is my own personal grain entrapment. how much longer will i let this go on? for all my years i've let this stupid anxiety rule me and i'm so fucking sick of it. i just want to be loved and be real and confident and unafraid of whatever happens next. i wish i didn't care about anything but i care about everything and it feels like male validation is the only thing that will keep me from completely losing my sense of self. it's so fucking disturbing. why can't i just be me for me? 

i want to try again. i want to meet a man who makes me so happy. i just want someone to talk to, who will see me as i am, in all my awkward glory and still want to be with me. but who would want me? i can't help but feel like my lack of experience is a downside. at my age, lots of women are already on their 2nd or 3rd relationship, they know how to speak to men, how to kiss and more, how to wear their clothes and make up right and i'm still learning everything. i'm so completely average looking, with mundane interests and an innate fear of rejection and men. i have no dating experience save for my last boyfriend and he could only stick around six months before he got tired of me. i'm doomed. what am i supposed to do? i don't just want to keep crying about it but the fear i feel about meeting someone new is so intense that i physically can't stomach the idea. why can't love just find me like it did before? why can't this just be easy. god i've only ever kissed one guy like what is actually wrong with me? first boyfriend at 19 feels so ridiculous. i'm so afraid i'll meet someone lovely and i'll scare him off because i don't know what i'm doing. what if i'm just so awkward and a horrible kisser and i don't even know? what if he expects more from me? what if i let him in and he doesn't like it? what if i tell him things are moving too fast and he dumps me cause i'm moving too slow? why is it so easy for everyone else? why can't i just meet a normal guy again?

it's not like i hate myself. on most days i quite like myself! i think i can be pretty and i'm learning to love my body again, i like spending time with myself. but when i get too lonely everything comes flooding back and i can't help but yearn. why can't i make myself as happy as he did? why do i feel like i'll never get it again? why am i not deserving of love? anyway fingers crossed nobody in my real life sees this

rant over. i hope i can get over myself and just give in. i did it before and i can do it again. even if it's hard. i wonder if it's secretly this hard for everyone else. dear god i hope i'm not the only one. i was gonna post some art on here but can't be motivated to draw, just in a shitty rut rn. nice chat spacehey

see ya

xox k4l <3