I miss him too much

Now on the 10am blog, we are extremely familiar that the loml isn't here with me. He's out about doing his own thing while I follow him from an extremely far distance with the delay of a horseman attempting to inform Texas about the tragic day in NYC. 

That being said, I do, kinda, maybe love the guy too much, but at the end of the day, I feel like that shouldn't even be possible. I'm not crazy, crazy I'm, "I'll text your number every day when I'm blocked, cause I miss you and it only feels right to talk to you" kinda crazy. I match with him on Roblox. I'm not sending him boxes of human remains, oh my god. It feels so weird that I care this much about another life, because as far as I remember, I always hated the person after we broke off. If I don't, then definitely by a month into the breakup, not him, though, as much as I should, I can't. It only makes it worse that the feeling of love I have for him is very tame, A LOT, but tame. It's not my whole personality but when coming up to me my friends will advice you to fuck off cause if you ask me out I will scream about how I'm staying loyal to the boy of my dreams yk? But when it comes to me interacting with him? Talking to HIM?

I don't even shoot myself in the foot, I gun down a voodoo doll of me. I cant keep my lips shut and I say shit that a lover could say and it be sweet but coming from an ex, I sound pathetic. The reason is that when I do interact with him, it's been 15 minutes max. 15 minutes, I can't even read out the paragraphs I sent the first 2 days of our breakup in 15 minutes. So with such little time, I rush everything I can into that tiny gap and then I look a little....yeah. I don't mean to ever come off that way but when we talk I'm so nervous that I’ll mess up my words and say something or just mess up and him stop the conversation that very second, my hands sweat up a storm and I don't remember anything I was suppose to say that would help me so I blurt out anything I feel in the moment but what I feel in the moment when talking to him is love, it’s always love. I text his number like crazy, if you were to open it and scroll. Your scrolling for at least 5 whole minutes. I can't not tell him, why would I? I want him to know, even if he'll never see it.

That was the guy I was planning to move in with, get a cat with. Bed rot for hours on Sundays. I was ready to set in. This was MY love. MY lover. This was supposed to be the start of my life, and I was happy to see where it would take us. I would be happy being anywhere as long as it was with him. I thought everything out, the dates, whether our families would like each other. The breed of cat, the way id get there. Our first time hugging, our first anything, really. Seasons changing, how our style would cross. The placement of stuff on my future desk compared to his. The cute matching outfits I had planned out. Our halloweens, the nights when we would be so bored, we played 21 questions to see if there's anything new after the past, however long. What foods we would give the other person cause one of us is a picky fuck and as he said he's a "blackhole". The jokes I would make after years. Plans of everything, everything possible I had ready. I love everything there is to love a person. Gun at my head and asked me to name a flaw about him call me jfk. 

I miss him. if you haven't gotten that down yet then there's issue bigger then this at hand but I miss him a lot. Viewing me in the future and not having him by my side is hard. Hearing his voice call my name was genuinely a harp in a calm dim lighted room. His voice, so clear, so gentle and so calm. I used to fall asleep in minutes to his voice. I was his number one fan when he sung. He doesn't like his voice but I would argue that with everything I had. Panic attacks slowed down so much faster if he was the one whispering relax. Anger that came from the bottom of my soul wouldnt leave because he would tell me no one was worth it. That no one would be worth my emotions. Then going onto his hair, it was so much fun talking about the curling creams I would use on it and how much I would mess with it cause it was like mine but knowing me the way his eyes would glance at me I would just giggle if it were to happen. How pretty it looked all tied up when he would do something productive, he would even put his little neck warmer on his hair like a headband to pull it back more. Seeing his eyes was so much easier and it did it’s effect. His eyes are something no one can replicate. The feeling of someone just looking at you and watching there eyes calm down followed by a smile, the warmth you feel in your body when tears are flowing like crazy and all you can see is the gentle caring smile that they have. Those feelings don’t happen with anyone’s eyes. 

I always hated eye contact, it was scary and always so embarrassing but when I’m looking at him look at me to see who would be the first to laugh after a out of pocket joke, that scared feeling never really came around. His face was so soft, not soft in the way of a shape, but it was never intimidating. He just, contrasted the room with his personality. He didn’t follow everyone else but he didn’t want power in people following him. He did the jokes he liked, he joked back and he held himself down. I remember him saying that I helped him be that way. He told me that I made him more outgoing then anything could’ve and it made my heart so full knowing I was helping him improve. I always love helping him improve. I love telling him it’s okay when he’s stressed. I love reminding him that I’m proud of him. I love making sure he ate, slept, essentials yk? I love making sure he was okay. Him improving, him falling back. It never mattered to me as long as I was there to help or even to just be there. I watched as he became more proud of himself. From being quiet in a call to not allowing shit he didn’t like, from not believing someone could ever look his way to him thinking he’s the best thing to touch the earth. I was getting better too, I told him who I used to be. The truth, who I was and why I was like that, no excuses

. I wanted to be a better person as a whole. I was a better friend, a better student and he made me believe that being a better sister and or daughter wasnt the worst thing. I was someone I was. slowly but surely starting to like. Life was something so much more interesting and self awakening with him then anyone I’ve ever known. I’m honestly a disliking person, people; foods; really anything specific I didn’t like. I couldn’t stand when people complained or just not enjoying friendships in the slightest. I wasn’t a very good person to many because the way I thought was cruel. I didn’t do anything but the way I was about things. Truthfully or not I was an asshole. I slowed it all down to a stop with him, I started to understand logically ways of thinking. I was always emotionally intelligent but not much logically. I understood how to be able to just talk, not worrying if I would be alone the next day. I was able to just, exist. Because he just wanted to exist with me. Sometimes we disagreed and we didn’t know how to find a middle and sometimes we didn’t, we just wanted to be with the other person. I was calmer, I was happier, I was just a better me. 

Calling him a safe place isn’t strong enough for him. That was my “Let’s not say this to them”, my “you wont believe what he did”, my “now that’s not ridiculous to say”. That was what made being the person I am so much better because he added to everything about me. The person I needed to hear about the insane stuff people at my school do. To feel so connected to a person that your days went from seconds, to see it go to years isn’t great. 

I’ll continue the yapping later I’m high 

I miss him man.