hating myself

why am i like this? 

it wasn't a no but it did something to me. i was already kinda sad kinda off energy, i do not think it was their fault. 

i had to sit on the bathroom floor to cry a bit cause i feel so sad and also, the fact that i realize how much my ex relationship traumatized me, cause in my head any type of "serious talk" will lead to fights. i felt terrible. i really want to be myself again, why can't i be myself? 

also, i felt like my best friend was acting weird with me today, it was just, probably, some paranoia of mine but idk, i did not told him this. and i guess he won't know eitheir way. 

like i am ready to sacrifice my condicions just because it will make her uncomfortable. i am a people pleaser and i don't know how to think about myself in situations, i can only think about the other person envolved. 

i don't know. i want to die.