Life.

(13-05-25)

i live in a stric house, if we dont clean out bedrooms every day we are grounded, wich is the main reason we get grounded most of the time, school is busy. im in my bed rn, my sister hasnt done her bedroo yet and stole her phone and wont give it back to my parents, my dad is very mad, im kinda scared, i can hear them arguing, and my dad throwing the stuff in her room everywhere, he said she wont have phone until college and if she ever has one and he finds out he will break it. she didnt give it back, tmro my dad will probably find it, im scared he might actually break it, he always has that kind of outburst.

(16-05-25)

i havent updated srry, im grounded for not doing my room, my sister hasnt gone to school in the past 3 days, i heard my mom tell her that if shes dropping school she will need to get a job, also she got angry at me that i told her friends she was grounded, im worried at her, everyone is.

(18-05-25)

TW: SA ALLEGATIONS

This happened a while ago but i think its worth mentioning, i used to have a friend, her name will be m2, she is a grade above me and her bf who i will call s2 is in my class, i have been friends with s2 for more than 5 years and i never thought that would change, until they started dating, i always joked around with m2 and i knew she had a bf so i always asked her if she was uncomfortable or anything (have to mention, i wasnt much close to her, like i have never been alone with her so everything i have done near her has people watching) so recently when my sister still went to school i was in recess when she (my sister) approached me telling me that m2 told her that her bf was going to beat me up with a metal pipe on monday, and i was confused so i talked to s2 and he told me to fuck off, ok, i get home, my parents talk to his and everything okay again, until, that same week i get called to the office, m2 said that i h4rr4s3d her and that i was horrible to her, i explained what actually happened, the teacher literally told me i was a liar (tf) and she cried every single day of that week like if i had done anything, she ruined my reputation with my friends and everything but thankfully i cleared my name and shes kinda alone now exept for s2 and some of her friends, i still dont understand why she hated  me so much like to do something like that to me.

(25-05-25)

Sorry for not updating in so long, my sister is alright now, shes still grounded but she goes to school now wich really reliefs me. I think its a good time to mention, the other day talking to my art teacher she told me that a  boy (hes a grade below me) really liked my paintings and spent like 15 minutes looking at them, she told me to talk to him, hes always in the stairs of the school drawing, i decided to send him a letter wich he hasnt replied yet but i know he will because he talked to my friends asking them about me, hes cute, his way of speaking is so atractive at least for me, he has such a good vocabulary, i have shared some small talk with him and he always seems like everytime i walk past him he wants to say something (at least thats what my friends say) and hes also very sweet, my art teacher ships me with him, idk if i like him or im just confused, but if he liked me i would say yes. (this is so cheesy omg TT)

(31-05-25)

yesterday i had a school activity, all my class went to this one classmates place and we played and had fun overall, at night two kids, a girl and a boy asked me if i wanted to go ride bikes for a while and i said of course, i then got to far so i got back to them but the boy who is especially rough, likes to break stuff, doesnt care what everyone feels and just laughs at everything crashed me on pourpuse (he wasnt in a bike, he was like in a pedal go kart thingy) i avoided him crashing the bike because it wasnt mine but my leg got stuck in a metalic part of the kart and he went over it twice, he and some friends then helped me out and carried me to the house, i sprained my ankle and i dont know if my parents can afford to take me to the doctor. As i write this my parents are arguing, my dad is telling my mom its her fault we are all traumatised or something, i think its because he made me cry at lunch for not "talking properly" or not undersanding "normal human interactions", idk. My ankle hurts but not that much, it made a sound when i moved it a while ago so i think i repaired it or smth, i have never sprained somerhing before. k bye, Emily out.

(02-06-25)

my parents dont have enough money to get me to the doctor, my ankle hurts but ill have to bare with it until friday when my dad gets paid i just hope i didnt broke something but yea it pretty much hurts, bye.

(04-06-25)

i just came from school, in the ride home my mother told me and my siblings one of my dogs died, she was murdered by the same dogs that killed my own dog a few months ago, im sad, i want to take them and kick them myself, but of course i cant, i cried on the way home but i cant cry anymore, it hurst it really hurts but i cant cry, i can only embrace the horrible feeling of wanting to scream but i cant, i dont want to look insane, im just going to lock myself in my room and wait for the tears to come, they will have to get out someday.

(08-06-25) 

i havent cried a single time, i still miss her, sometimes i feel like the warm that was always in my bed was thanks to her, but i think its just me imagining stuff, anyways i have tried to feel calmer this days, i had a panick attack in school, the other day, i was shaking and almost vomited but im okay now, i still feel sad but im trying to be better now, be nice, have a good routine, maybe i will never stop being sad but i can calm my head and i also feel much better physically now that i gave some time to recover from my depression, im glad im doing better now. i cant help but feel empty, its getting more usual, like my soul already left my body, like im now just being controlled by my brain, nothing else, i dont even think i have the same feeling i just to had everything just feels neutral, i want to be sad or something, i dont care if i would suffer, i want to suffer, everything is better than this jail of emptyness.

(09-06-25)

I cae back from school just hours ago, in the car it was weird, there was two of our parents, they never came to pick us up together, my father said that he had to talk to us, i had a bad feeling, last time he said that a dog died, and last time, and the time before that. i slept in the car i was tired because of all the tests i had today, i went straight to sleep as soon as we got home, i had a nightmare, something to horrible that has been following me in my dreams, so cursed i cant even describe it, i dont even know where to start, i dont know what it wants but i want him gone, i woke up tired and sweaty, all i could hear, my parents arguing with everyone, my brother crying, i wanted to hug him, my sister screaming, i wanted to know what was wrong even my older older sister was arguing, and since i was asleep i couldnt understand why, as i write this my dad is kicking stuff and shouting at everyone, hes prolly mad because of the order of stuff and cleaning of the house or smth like that i heard, im scared, i dont want them to know im awake, because i just know they will crumble my confidence into i mold into their perfect shape, again, and again until i become what they always dreamt of.

(10-06-25)

in pe the teacher had been targeting me and some of my friends because we complained to the school that the way they put our grades isnt fair for people with certain medical conditions, she called me lazy and made me run like 2 km because i "wasnt working correctly" i have atshma, i obviously didnt finish them and she wrote me up for not working in class, i want to cry, i cant do anything about it and its so unfair, then i had a birthday i was forced to go, my uncle´s birthday, my abusers birthday, i hid in the bathroom crying half of the party and spent the other half taking care of my baby cousin, i know he wouldnt do the same he did to me to him but i still cant help being protective of him, its not his fault his dad is a monster, i begged my parents to go, they scolded me but accepted, im glad i left early.

(16-06-25)

i dont think i can feel love, i mean i thought i liked the boy but suddendly the feeling disapeared, its not the first time it happends, i think maybe im just destined to love for a little time and then change, its bad, and i really wish i could feel like how people describe just for a little longer. oh and im prolly getting suspended, me and my friend accidentally broke the school bathroom sink, i just wish nobody noticed it was us lol.   

yep i think whe could get suspended or expelled.

(17-06-25)

we werent catched but i feel somehow worst, today the owners of the dogs that killed mines came to talk with my dad, i watched from afar, silently staring trought my room, they didnt knew they were death, they expected to see 2 wounded dogs here, not 2 urns, my dad told them what happend, how they attacked my cuchufli with no mercy outside our door, and how they snuck into our home to take abby and kill her outside. there were two men, the younger one, the son i asume was grabbing his head, he almost cried i think, my dad talked about the expensses and emotional damage and what those dogs meant to us, both dogs were emotional support animals, my dad told them he sued them, but overall it was a calm conversation, i stopped spying when they stopped talking about the dogs, they told dad that they would pay everything we spent on treatment and the killer dogs will be put down tomorrow, because what if they attack kids next? or worse, i could tell he felt remorseful, i appreciated it, i didnt enjoy his guilt that much but, i somehow feel happy those dogs cant hurt me anymore, even if it isnt physical, just seeing them makes my blood boil, i cried for an hour after, i think i might get a strong depressive episode again, im sick of being dope in those pills, thats todays update, bye (if someone even reads this, i think its comforting to know people actually do)

(22-06-25)

i wonder if when i update this you guys wonder if its good or bad? well its bad, i was supposed to go to a friends house today, due to the rain i couldnt so i stayed in my bed all morning until my mom started screaming, my sister (who is still grounded btw because she refuses to do her room) stole the router my mom hid for her not to use internet, they argued for like 10 mins and them my dad steped in, he was more agresive, he called ungrateful, idiot, stupid and things i cant quite remember but probably worse, its the first time i hear him call her like that actually meaning it, he told her he was going to take everything from her, hercomputer, her phone, her guitars, pencils, even her door, i was scared, but acted like i was still asleep. when my dad locked himself in his room i decided to go downstairs and get breakfast, idk why but i took as many as my depression pills as i could, i wanted to know what would happend, last time i did i felt dope all day and saw colors and stuff, i prolly took like 6 rn or something, im not proud of it, idk why i did it, but i did. my tummy feels like a party. update: too much tummy party, i threw up

(30-06-25) 

havent updated in a while ig, not weird for me tho, just wanted to celebrate its my 2nd year anniversary in this beautiful site :)

(22-07-25) 

That bastard lied! he said he was going to kill the dogs that killed my babies but today i was taking a walk with one of my puppys and those 2 horrendous faces where there, all alive with a trainer, he promised he killed them, he did! and he decided not to and to train them!? he already said he tried to train them but didnt work, why would he do that, i hate em, i hate them so so so sooooo much, i know im horrible for saying this but a sufferless death is the least they can do to pay for my 2 dogs suffering and i mean it, im not crazy, if i was crazy i couldnt think with this much sense of justice, think so. i wanna cry from anger just by seeing them.

(31-07-25)

ive been sick the past week, i threw up all i ate and felt horrible, the isolation gave me lots of time to think that, im nobodys best friend, im nobodys number 1 option and its my fault, i toy with people and then throw them when i get bored of them, im horrible, i know, but i want to be loved by someone so much, this is a scream for help just for someone to see me, to notice me, dont erase me from your life again, its the same over and over, i want to cry, im all alone. sometimes i feel that my friends just have me to laugh at me, im the one that makes everyone else laugh so im the clown in the friend group, how come nobody realises im no fine?

(26-10-25) 

hi yall, hows everything? hope its okay bc my life is shit, i felt the urge to sh again some days ago and i lost my 7 month time being clean, i felt like shit, and when i thought life was getting better, i even stopped venting here, it wasnt, my family started being disfunctional again, i though i was being exagerated until i spoke to the schools councelor and he said my house situation was horrible, i wanna feel happy but my dad hates me and i know it, i have always been the least fav child and now i just feel like im just there for him to scream at, my mom well, shes been pretty much the same blaming us for all bad that happened in her life and then leaving for day or two and come back like nothing happened, it noticed this more when last week i got sick and had fever, i threw up and felt like shit and my mom just shouted that i was being lazy and stupid, she got into an argument with dad about it and said she wasnt taking care of me anymore, i thought it was just a say and i heard wrong but while that week she took care of my siblings and even told them good stuff just ignored when i talk, but now that my big sis is sick we are supposed to even clean her room, at least my friends are there for me but i still dont know how to open up, i just talk about it with max, i meet him this year and we call everyday so its not dificult for him to hear the violence (hes dating my sister too), i just have been feeling ignored lately maybe because i stopped taking the antidepressives my mom gives me and throw them away, i just want to be someones n1 person and feel loved and fall asleep on someones arms, im horrible. gn.

(20-01-26)

havent written in a while now, depression is eating me alive, suicide would be just a mortal escape, my head already comited, i started smoking again, yay, what a great way to start my 15 years (december 30 is my bday), i stopped eating so much, prolly will start starving myself again, im so fat, and im so jealous of everyone around me, its disgusting i know, even the food i used to love now makes me want to puke. Tho i met someone, he makes me feel guilty about being depressed, hes from colombia, his name is andres, hes like a big brother to me even if he is just months older than me, only a month speaking an i already know everything about him, i wanna be there for him, he has no one else, he used to have a drug addiction and he is target to people he damaged when he was younger, his mom left him, and the only thing keeping him sane was the family that took him in and his dog that made him push past that life, sadly it was all worth nothing, they drugged his dog "should have been me, he didnt do anything", he told me how he is thinking about relapsing, but prolly wont, its already dangerous for him to even be near that type of people after what he did, is it okay i dont care he killed someone? hes my brother, not by blood but by something much deeper than that, deeper than the void we both try to fill with eachothers empty existances, im all he has, i wish, i really wish i could be there for him, actually be there, but all i can do is tell him everything will be okay and i dont care about his past, he never deserved that life, he was just a kid, we still are, and even if he decides to do it again i wont judge him, i will be there for him even if its wrong and if its bad, because he need it, i dont want him to die, its dumb to care so much for someone i barely know yet know so deeply, maybe i havent died because of him, but lately ive been practicing my caligraphy and way of writing so much that if i decide to do it, not for him or anyone but to free myself at least what i leave wont be only another number in a statistic, but at least a letter people can cry to, to put my emotions properly at least one time even if it means never doing so again, because maybe if i sleep forever, i wont be this tired anymore. my suffering is nothing compared to those so how is it valid?. thx for reading, good night.

(27-02-26) 

its been a while since i last wrote and this is far one of the worst times of my life, imma explain. a few months ago, around 4 months i met some of the best people in my life, virtual friends, dice, lexis, eli and tef, we talked almost everyday, i mostly talked to eli, she was lexis girlfriend, i support completely their relationship even distancing myself from lexis a little just to not make her uncomfortable in any way, a while ago, probably about one or two weeks i was talking with her, she lives in the same city as her bf, then she told me that something had happened to him, i calmed her and assured everything would be fine, she told me it was the first time he passed out and they wouldnt let her see him, after that she told me he had been diagnosed with stomach cancer, i tried to calm her and myself, i asked her what stage it was but she avoided the question, i let it go since she was probably stressed and all, i was too scared or more like i didnt knew how to even talk to lexis after that, so i didnt, i regret it, i regret it so much, how i didnt even try to do it, 2 days ago, i was in my room feeling sick for no reason, i opened my phone and there it was, eli sent me a letter lexis prepared for me before he passed, i didnt knew him much, we didnt even talk that much but he, he thought of me too, he made one for not every one of the friendgroup yet he wrote me one, a short one but it made me cry, i felt sick, horrible, i could only apologise to eli and dice since they were the closest to him, i spent all night crying, and throwing up, i smoked to calm down, brushed my teeth and went to bed but i couldnt sleep, i spent the night talking with tef until 6 in the morning, he was sad too since dice, his gf was so attached to lex, we talked about everything just to maybe forget for a second whata happened, but then dice texted me and i felt sick once again, i tried to go to the bathroom to vomit but i fell to the ground, i couldnt see, everything around me moved and made me feel high, so i just went to my brothers room and slept there, i could only sleep one hour, so the first thing i did was text dice and eli, i tried to eat, to leave my room but the food tasted like ash no matter how hard i brushed my mouth and everything felt disgusting, i had to go on a ride home back to my hometown because my vacation ended, i couldnt even eat my favorite food, everything felt like it wasnt real, i cried too much there too, as soon as i got home i threw up again, i calmed down talked with other friends and them too but still i feel nervous constantly, yesterday i had to go buy shoes for school, i hate buying, much with my parents money, i only checked the price, i was torn between buying one of three shoes and my parents bought the three, i fought with them because i didnt deserve them and they were too much, even if on discount but they already knew that i was avoiding buying stuff, i was so gratefull yet felt like the worse person ever, they did notice i had been weird since i came back, i never told them about lexis death, they would kill me if they knew i talk to people on the internet, today a friend invited me over, mom said i could go if i did my room, then we argued, i dont even remember why, she told me to ask my dad and so i did, see my friend is all i wanna do when feeling like this, hes like a brother to me, but instead of answering if i could go my dad started talking about how i was pretending to be sick in the head but never told them anything, that my only responsability was to study and do my room, my only purpose, he said i never saw what they did for me but why? why would he said that? am i not grateful enough, do i not help enough, is it my grades, is it me? is it because i have trouble explaining or even speaking about myself, its not my fault, at least i think it isnt, im do not need to tell them everything about me im not forced to trust them or anyone, so why do they think i am? im a bad daughter, every day the voices in my head and thoughts of killing myself are bigger, i even made a list of people who to write to if i do, i feel horrible, im crying as i write this, im the worst, the worst ever, and its my fault for being this way, im sorry for being so miserable, bye.

(09-03-26)

i have so much drama to write bout school and stuff, when i have time ill write it down fo you guys, also ive been thinking about death more than id like to admit, even started writing some letters if i ever do, i dont want to but im just so empy and depressed i dont think there is any other way, but the more i think of it i dont want my friends to suffer, hope i dont do nothing stupid and if i do id like everyone to see my letters, for the world to see my despair and maybe if i do i wont just be another number on a graphic. thats all today, bye :D

(12-03-26)

sorry i couldnt write the other days i was burning with fever, i dont feel better but i like to write bc why not? and well yesterday my country oficially changed our president for an evil n4z1 one, he has defended the dictatorship that happened in my country and has real bad propositions, like to free prisioners of old age, one of them being Krasnoff, one of the most despicable people in Chile, he tortured and violated human rights during the dictatorship and is sentenced for more than 600 years of prision, and many many more bad people, i am dearly scared for my life, he wasnt to delete the ministry of the woman, get rid of taxes for the superrich, deny same gender marriage, deny abortions, set the retire age for woman and only woman higher, and eliminate social benefits to "save" money, persecution of leftists, that and much more has me scared for the well being of myself and my country, but ill try to stay positive and pray these next 4 years wont be that much of a hell

(15-03-26)

mom found out i started sh again, cried, then my dad shouted at me, not concerned because what i was doing but because it made my mom cry... wow, no wonder why i hate the dude so much.

(29-04-26)

not much to say lately, school has been normal, just a couple drama involving my sisters ex but meh, he deserved what he got, i spend most time with the "popular" kids now, not really a part of them but the are much nicer than my old friend group that now, hates me, wich i do have to write what happened but maybe later, my mom forced me to go to the psyciatrist (dik how to write it lol), she put me on antidrepressants and anti psicotic medication wich isnt really working plus i dont really like her, but it is what it is, now im forced to go to family therapy and individual one ew, i dont want help, maybe i do on the inside but not from them, im good with not being good and i like sticking to that.