i have no thoughts

I don’t even know what to talk about at therapy because I don’t talk and when I’m asked questions I usually don’t wanna answer the questions that she gives me …so what am I supposed to do? 

The answer is nothing. i usually do nothing. every time we do the same thing, we play the same games and she asks me questions about things she randomly noticed, or she asked me how my week has been. 

I don’t do anything, I don’t go to school, I don’t have a job so I can’t really tell her how my weeks been because I’ve been doing the same thing every day.

 I don’t go anywhere I just stay in my house—in my room usually …so what am I supposed to tell this lady?? she’ll always ask me the same questions and I never wanna bring up anything because I don’t really care to bring up anything.

and she hasn’t really asked me about the medication they gave me so I don’t know what, how, or when to talk about that.

and I have a lot of problems going on in my life, but I don’t know how to deal with every single one of them—and if I HAVE to deal with all of them, which one do I bring up first, and how am I gonna deal with that one, without thinking about all the others and what follows after dealing with that?

like how am I supposed to solve my life methodically when I don’t know how to? well the answer is therapy, but I’m already in it and it has helped…but not enough, in too long of time.

that’s what I hate about therapy. all the diagnoses, all the meetings, every session. It takes so much time just for me to have barely learned anything after almost, what? 3 months?

while therapy does help..everything takes so much time that I feel like by the end of my life…I wont have done anything and I would’ve not had any time left by then.

so what’s the point of getting help in the first place if everything takes so much effort and takes so much time? because I do want to change, but I don’t know if I’m willing to put in the effort that i need to do that.

and if I’m not willing to put in the effort, what’s the point of being there anyway? because all the money it takes to go there is just money being wasted from me not trying.

so I should try, right? but trying is so vulnerable, and putting and trusting my emotions in someone I just met a couple weeks ago is so hard and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that, and I don’t know why I’m expected to do that.

i don’t know why trying to be happy is so hard. I don’t know why trying to live life like everybody else, who clearly easily can is so hard. and if it is so easy for everyone else, why can’t I just do it like everyone else can?

trying to be normal and not living through characters or through a screen is really hard. I don’t know how I’m expected to be my OWN PERSON, have my own personality, my own thoughts my own GOALS. being a personality is so hard, being a person is so hard, so why can’t I just take some thing from someone who already has it all? 

Why can’t I take it from someone who already has it all figured out? and I feel like I’ve taken from everyone around me except for myself to where that I’m not even my own person, and I’m just everyone else. but I hate everyone ..so do I hate myself, or am I not what i consider to be myself and I’m just not a person anymore?

I don’t feel normal, but putting an effort to be normal feels like putting myself in a cage, but I hate feeling different from everyone, but I also don’t wanna be one of those people who call themself a “free thinker” and just ..are not a free thinker. 

I wish I could have my own opinions and have my own resentment, and have my own emotions but everything feels like it’s being tainted by those around me, and it feels like everything I think, everything I do, everything I’ve done has been influenced by the people around me. and well! that’s because it has! 

because I haven’t thought about almost anything for myself, and it feels like everything has been done for those around me, and nothing for myself. and I feel like I’ve never done anything for myself, because all the things I say I’ve done for myself never really made me happy. and if they did make me happy, I don’t know how to recognize that emotion, or any emotion for that matter.

I can never understand how I’m feeling unless I feel it so intensely that it hurts. I don’t know if I’m sad writing this, orrr if I feel numb. the tears are coming out, but I don’t know why they are. I don’t know if I’m angry at the world, or if I wish I could be a part of it. 

I don’t know if I’m happy for my fortune or if I wish it was all gone, to see if I would still feel the same if I had nothing. I have so much but I still feel upset, so if I had nothing, would I feel worse or would I be better off without it?

I forget things so often, but I only remember the emotion, yet I don’t understand the emotion. I only understand the intensity. I don’t remember a lot of my life. I don’t remember anything from before I was like, 11 probably, and still even now I forget things that happened days ago.. I forget things that happen weeks ago. I forget things that happened months ago .

sometimes I don’t remember what happened last hour. I’d be a horrible witness to a crime and I wouldn’t help the investigation at all. 

sometimes I can’t even think when I’m asked questions. the words won’t go through my head and they’ll only come out of my mouth. then I’m punished for the things I speak.

and I’m told to think before I speak, but I don’t know how. cant even think while writing this, which is why I’m using “talk to text”… or whatever they call it. “talk to type?” i don’t know.

im editing it with my fingers, though.

but even while typing or speaking, I’m not really thinking about the next word I say? it just comes out. I’m not thinking about the next word I write. I just write it. 

when I’m asked about if I’m thinking, ooor what I’m thinking about, it’s always blank..because I’m not thinking about anything . The only thoughts I have are memories..or what I want to be memories.

meaning things that I hope happen, or things that will happen, probably, in the future. I don’t think. i cant hear the voice in my head as much as I used to, and when I do, it’s usually because I’m reading or I’m reciting the words others are saying in my head.

so when I’m alone, I think out loud..aaand that’s usually how it’s always been. right now…I’m thinking out loud, by saying every word I’m thinking and just editing it so I can post it on some …?website where nobody’s probably gonna read it, but …

so you couldn’t have heard that, but I just paused because my brain went blank again . 

I don’t really know how to think. I used to think so much that my head would hurt but, now, when I have episodes I don’t cry over how much I’m thinking. I cry over how much I’m feeling. i feel so much i cant understand it all, so i chop it up to “numbness”. but that really isn’t the truth. I’m not numb I feel everything I feel it all I feel so much I feel fuzziness in my skin. My brain gets fogged.

how much I wish the pain would be gone, how I wish it would all stop, how I wish time could be just paused for a moment so I can organize everything.

so I can fix everything. so I can change how everything is, because everything is wrong in my life, but I wouldn’t even know where to start. even with all the time in the world, I wouldn’t be able to organize the life I live in because I can’t control anything anyways.

and, to put it bluntly, I need to let that feeling go. and, to put it bluntly again, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to let go of the feeling that everything needs to change, or the feeling I have to fix everything. 

the feeling i have to be this savior — because I’m not a savior and nobody wants me to save them. I can’t even save myself so how am i gonna be trusted with their lives?

i don’t know. but off to bed. It’s 3:54 AM Tuesday, May 13, 2025 and the rain is pattering on my two windows in my bedroom. Good night.