Struggling with a break up.

TW: depression, suicide, self harm, breakups

Recently my partner and I had split, and the circumstances have been making it very hard to cope properly. There's layers :,c

They had been battling depression pretty badly, relapsing on old bad habits like nicotine and SH. It was really hard to watch, but I tried my best to make them feel comfortable and accepted through this time. 

Another aspect was a bit of an identity crisis, they had swapped their pronouns to be nonbinary-ish, which tbh, wasn't very concerning in the moment due to their personality and knowledge I had of them, but in retrospect is a big thing.

Ultimately near the end of the relationship they had requested time alone, no contact, not as a breakup but just to have some space to work on themselves. I totally understood and gave them it, of course! I really missed them and it was painful to have to resist sending them every reel I came across or just what I had been up to throughout the day. But I thought it was for the best, I want them to be happy and healthy, always.

Prior to this I had been struggling internally with a bit of overthinking on whether or not I satisfied them as a partner, I felt like sometimes I had fallen short, or underplanned, of just could be better in general. I really wanted to bring this up with them, but seeing their condition worsen by the day, I felt it was healthier to hold off. Kinda left me to linger with that thought and overthink more while they were gone.

I didn't really know how much time to give, they seemed really adamant they needed this, so I didn't want to interrupt in the slightest way! I told myself that if they get better and feel ready, they'd message back first and if not that I'd just message them again on our monthly anniversary date, the 20th, about a month, a little less from the start. Plenty of time I hoped.

In this time I vented a lot with my online friends, I feel so sorry for them, but very thankful they were there for me during this period.

About a week or two out from our anniversary date, still nothing, I had been watching all their profiles for activity every day to make sure they were okay, and had been noticing a trend of them being used less and less until suddenly one day a lot of change had happened. Their insta was turned to offline mode, changed names & pfps to their old ones prior to us dating. & their snap and our entire chat history there had vanished entirely.

I was terrified by this point on what was going on, I hoped for the best, but was fearing the worst too. I had experienced losing people close to me to suicide before, and had been getting scared by deja vu throughout this entire time, as well as for a bit prior to them leaving. And this felt like a huge signal something bad was happening with them, and that it wasn't going okay. I really wanted to just contact them that weekend, away from when they usually worked to have it arrive at a low-stress time, but I, regrettably, held off longer.

Next coming week, I had started noticing reels in my Instagram feed they had liked around the topics of "when your partner loses interest" or "watching them starting to take longer and longer to respond" or "when you're emotionally dependant on how well they treat you and they stop talking", it was making me cry every time I came across one. I felt so stupid, I felt like it was my fault this was happening to them, if they die it would be on me...

I thought about holding off just one more week for our anniversary date but threw that idea away immediately and didn't even wait to text them that very next morning. I asked how they had been, reminded them I loved them dearly and am always here when they need me and support them no matter what. It took them a while to respond to the point my phone had been left unattended to charge by the time they did, which made me feel worse. they in a single response broke up with me.

they said they still loved me, but that they just couldn't handle the weight of the relationship at that time. I felt immediately shocked, heartbroken and depressed. I love them so much, many times more than anyone I had dated before, to have it all cut short and in such a way, with the risk of losing them forever permanently from suicide, destroyed me.

I responded as best I can, not even mentioning my condition, I dont want it to harm them at all, saying I understand and am okay with it so long as they take care of themselves. that I still care so much about them and will do anything friend girlfriend or stranger to help. they thanked me, and was gone...

I have since sent another message but it hadn't even been read, I have also noticed their instagram status being completely untouched for a while now. I'm scared and starting to think it's the worst.

I dont want to seem obsessive or stalky, but I feel like at some point I should write them a physical letter or something, or drop a gift off at their doorstep by hand just to see if their lights are on. even if they won't come to the door. it'd be the right thing to do I think, I would want someone to do all that for me. plus just peace of mind.

I really hope I didnt lose another to suicide... I shouldve seen it coming... I shoudve done something sooner... </3