Finally going by my desired name + plans for gender affirmation under Trump

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So, obviously, Carmilla is not a common name. I picked it after reading the Hebrew Bible and studying up on such names, because I liked reading that bible the most. I'm not religious, I reject any religious labels including atheism, but I like studying religion as I find every book, every story, to have some sort of lesson or value. I used to go by two names primarily - my birth name, and the name I chose when I was experimenting with my gender. I don't like either of these, for personal reasons, and I'd rather leave these identities in my home town.

I'm hoping to change my gender marker on all of my legal documents to X, if I'm even allowed to within the next 4 years. I'm also going to finally legally change my name. One of my main focuses is to naturally drop my voice an octave or so. I grew up listening to Lady Gaga, and I've always wished to sound like her lol ^^;;;; I doubt a personal gender identity I coined would ever genuinely be recognized. An identity based around coming to terms with your paradoxical feelings and not caring beyond what you want to do with it. I'm AFAB, but I've always had those conflicting thoughts of "I'm a boy, I'm a girl, I'm everything, I'm nothing, I'm nonbinary, I'm binary." They're all true, but they're also false, so that's why I decided to coin my own identity. I'm happier now, I don't feel the stress of conforming anymore LOL. I guess I'm not a bishoujo or a bishounen, more like a bigyaku. Or maybe a bisetsu. Beautiful reverse, or beautiful theory? I'm bummed I can never pick a thing lololol

Beyond the legal stuff, affirming my gender identity feels great. Losing weight has made me feel really euphoric about myself, goal is 160 lbs or 72.5 kg for my metric system friends. I like being tall too, but I wanna stay short, so I think I'll start getting some nice cute big shoes. I have two pairs that I don't really like, so I'm gonna sell them. Keeping my hair nice and long helps too. It's super wavy and strawberry blonde right now, and hopefully I'll get it layered with side bangs soon. Buying clothes I like is obviously a super, super help.

I think it helps me that under the Trump administration I'll still pass as a girl, and Carmilla is an objectively feminine name. I'll just kind of be.. questionable with how people can call me he, she, they, a boy, a girl, a person, whatever. It doesn't matter much anyways hopefully, he's on his final term and 4 years can go by quick. I learned that with high school. They won't change the Constitution.

~ Carmilla

finished writing at 10:15 PM PST, 12 May 2025