About (sub)conscience

I didn't sleep well at all today, and that's always such a strange thing for me. I kept turning around in my bed and feeling all restless and whenever this happens I get this weird... stirring in my gut. It's kind of like the interior of my body is still numb with sleep, but a bit of a more painful, more sickening version of it. That feeling mostly resides in my throat and stomach—kinda like my gut is eating itself, but also not really. It's a tingly sensation, and I think it might be the physical form of anxiety. That's peculiar in itself, how anxiety operates within me. I'll feel like I'm fine for such a long period of time until a frenzied kind of desperation sets in, a panic, like my brain is finally understanding that it's far too late for the hypothetical of me just doing what I'm supposed to do is out of the equation. I think I might find some kind of comfort in the existence of that choice, despite every molecule of my being knowing that I won't do it. That absolutely minuscule possibility soothes me until it can't anymore and all my nerves collapse into that shakiness at once. And I can fight it within my conscience just fine, because I'm quite good at being logical and I have the Universe to entrust myself to and I always have proof of concept, examples and situations at the back of my mind. So anxiety becomes nothing but a surge in my body that leaves a trembling ache in its wake which rationality and spirituality can soothe with a nice salve.

But the subconscious mind is a fascinating little creature. It is an encaged animal, at its core, with raised fur and extended claws but such a frail, shaking body and trembling teeth. It can, and it will, bite but the bite is imprecise and uncontrolled and it leaves a jagged, uneven little wound because the teeth of a scared animal, the devastating outcome of self-defense is undoubtedly more feral than the precise strike of a predator. A predator leaves marks because it wants to, because it can, because it is trying to claim and show off its glory, yet fear sinks its teeth not to taste, maybe not even to hurt, but to stagger, to distract and to hold down so there is time to run. 

So I kept waking up with that little residual feeling of an inner wound. And it all felt so irrational because I was shaking and exhaling but my thoughts were fine. My eyelids stung as I opened them and all my limbs felt heavy and the bed was much too warm, but the moment conscience kicked in the primary ache of it subsided.

And I think it's deeply fascinating how my body—or mind?—is capable of that discrepancy. Even more so when it doesn't happen through sleep, the realm of the subconscious where it can rule and cower as it wants. There are those moments when I only discover than I am shaking by something slipping from my grasp. When I only realize I was unsteady by sitting down. When I only realize my throat is dry, or my voice shaky when I open my mouth. Those moments when I desperately try to regain control of my own body but it refuses to listen and I'm left confused because my mind is serene. That little frightened animal manages to slip between the bars of its cage, unheard and unnoticed, and the only awareness of it comes from blood dripping down an arm. Not even pain, just the blood, maybe even just the scar, just the aftermath. 

And I have to deal with the consequences anyway, so I’ve been wondering—what are even the benefits of keeping it encaged? Why is it encaged? How did that happen? Did I put it there or did it crawl there in an attempt to hide?

I think through focusing so much on training my mind I have disconnected myself from everything outside of it, in a way. Well, maybe not everything, but certainly the subconscious. I got better in one aspect, and while I wouldn’t say that I’ve gotten worse in another, I do think it feels so by comparison. Because that all-consuming fear felt natural back when I was the animal, when the entirety of my being collapsed under the weight of the fear, but now that I have this self control, it feels so much more foreign when my body still behaves on that fight or flight instinct. 

The situation at hand isn’t even all that serious—just this book I had to read for class but didn’t really want to, or simply decided I could get the gist of in the morning (considering that I had around 3 hours from when I woke up to when the class started, and the book was pretty short). I even did this before with a longer, more important book before and got away with it. Plus, my trust that the Universe will arrange any situation in my favor (whatever that may entail in the particular situation, because sometimes it is something ‘bad’ happening, but it’s something I’m supposed to learn an important lesson from; that lesson never ends up being that I’m supposed to do all this useless work that I’m not even interested in on “time”, though 😎) is absolute and that has done nothing but serve me. So I was able to reason with myself and stop caring about it very easily. And yet. Yet. 

I didn’t even realize there was this disconnect between my conscious and subconscious mind, and I do think it’s really important that I did now, especially since my journey for the mind is not only basically over, but also very much confirmed so. I try to pull a Tarot card every day both to get acquainted with them better, and to get a general vibe for the day, and I’ve gotten three of them making allusion to the end of something and the start of something new that comes with it, that marks the next step. That was really all solidified when I pulled The World this morning, while still in a bit of a groggy state from the bad sleep. I wasn’t sure what the new journey was supposed to be about, because on the other side I did really just feel that something was wrapping up and my efforts were proving fruitful, but I really wasn’t sure what was next. 

Guess this is it. And it does make sense. I’ve been trying to practice feeling and showing compassion, kindness and patience towards myself, especially in hard situations, and that’s helped tremendously with gaining more control of my mind and feelings and just… Myself as a whole. Funnily enough I do end up getting a lot more done when I show love and understanding for myself and my needs, even if that means being horribly unproductive sometimes, than I did when I’d chastise myself for it and trying to push myself to do stuff. But the fact that there might still be leftover fears to dismantle in my subconscious was not something I even… considered? Which is a little funny since there definitely are signs, mostly when it comes to interacting with people I’m not familiar with (verbally, I have virtually no problem doing it online) speaking my mind in public spaces, or with strangers. I didn’t even see this connection before. The way the Universe is layout out all these stepping stones for me is so interesting, and honestly really endearing as well <3 I’m always grateful that its looking out for me in every possible way ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)