A rewrite I made ~1 year ago of a story I read in english class

Around a year ago in English class we read a story. I personally, did not enjoy it much. Now, I understand it may be disrespectful to the author to rewrite the story, which is why I will not be providing the original. The reason I want to share this is because i felt inspired to "do it better", which actually made me write. I barely write at all, because I have trouble keeping the story within a reasonable scope. Going off of the original gave me a base to go off of, making it one of the few stories I finished and am actually proud of.


CONTENT AHEAD: BULLYING, DEATH, SUICIDE


Here goes:

School was so incredibly boring. I needed some spice in my life. I looked over at my friend Julie, scrolling on instagram. She showed me a picture. "Look at this girl, posing like she looks good. Can't with ugly people these days thinking they're hot. At least the comments humbled her." As I looked at the comment section, full of insults, I got an idea. "We should do that." "What?" "We should leave hate comments." "I already do that," dismissed Julie. "No like, in real life. We should leave a hate note in someone's locker", I explained. "Wait, that's actually such a good idea. We should totally do that, you're so smart, but like who?" Great minds think alike and I guess that's what we were, since we both immediately thought of one person. Miriam. "Are you sure though? Like yeah she's weird, but she's pretty. Wish I could have her long silky black hair", Julie asked. "Yeah she's pretty, but she doesn't have to know that. If we tell her she's ugly enough times, she'll start believing it herself. We'll get her to cut her hair or dye and damage it and then...." "...we'll be the prettiest girls in class." 

We started with something simple. I got a red pen and wrote in messy handwriting. My writing is always neat, so it was needed to not be suspected. It read: "Your black hair makes you look like an immigrant. Go back to Asia or dye your hair blonde like the rest of us". "Ok, I wrote the note, you throw it in her locker", I said. "What? I thought you'd do it, it was your idea", Julie argued. "Ok fine. We'll do it tomorrow before school, make sure to arrive earlier than usual", I responded. 
15 minutes before class. The halls were empty, everyone was outside enjoying the sunlight. "I'm kind of nervous, can't you do it?", I whispered to Julie. "You already agreed to do it, don't back out now", she hissed back at me. She was just too much of a coward to do it herself. I looked around one more time, making sure no one was watching and opened the locker. Miriam's books and other things were neatly organised. I put the note right on the pile. She'd surely see it there. "Ok let's get out of here." "Don't you want to see her reaction?" "Trust me, we'll be able to tell from her appearance."

During lunch we ran into Miriam. "Watch this", I whispered to Julie, "hey Miriam, nice sweater, where did you get it?" Pleasantly surprised, she responded, "Oh, my mom actually knit it for me." "Oh I thought you found it in the dumpster", I smirked. Miriam's smile quickly dropped. "Why are you so upset, it was just a harmless joke", said Julie. Miriam defended herself: "Well that's not a nice thing to say and I don't think it was that funny." "Omg people these days are so sensitive..." We walked away, trying to hold back our laughter.

A few days later, I invited Julie to come over after school to devise more pranks to pull on our cute little prey. "Do you think she has social media?", asked Julie, scrolling on her phone once more. "She's not the type of person to have social me-" "I FOUND IT", Julie yelled out, interrupting me. "What does she post?" Julie handed me her phone: "Drawings." A weird kid, who's an artist as well. Not surprising in the least. "Not even brave enough to post her face?", I joked. "If I were her, I wouldn't either." We giggled. "You know, I have another idea. Have you ever seen those videos, where people 'fix' other people's drawings? Well how about we do that, print them out and put them all over her locker", I suggested. "I'll do you one better, we put it on her desk for everyone to see." We found those she claimed to be most proud of. However, looking at them, her pride was not deserved. We downloaded the first drawing app we found. We scribbled over and manipulated the drawings until they looked unrecognizable. "I think we can both agree it looks way better now." 

We decided messing with her desk in the morning before class was too risky. So of course, we snuck into the school in the evening. We had tape, markers and most importantly, the messed up drawings. Sneaking through the halls, we finally found our way to our classroom through the dark. Julie rattled the door handle. "It's locked." In hindsight, that was very obviously going to be the case. But we hadn't thought of that. "Wait!" Julie interrupted my train of thought. "Look, one of the windows in the classroom is open, someone must've forgotten to close it." "Didn't Mr. Smith tell you to close it?" "Oh." We made our way back out and found the open window. "Ok this time you're going in." "What why?" "I put the note in her locker, now it's your turn. "Fine. Help me up", Julie groaned. I pushed her up through the window and passed her the drawings, marker and tape afterwards. "What should I even write on the desk?" Julie mumbled. "Idk just some insults", I responded. "Ok, but watch out and make sure no one sees us." I turned around with my guard up. After a few minutes Julie came back to the window: "I'm back." I put my hands in her way: "Wait, snap a picture and show me what you wrote, I want to see." Julie went back and did just that. The things she wrote were so bad, if a teacher found out it was us, we'd be expelled. Good thing they won't.

The next morning, we were standing outside our classroom. With every second that passed, our anticipation only grew. Miriam hadn't arrived yet, which was unusual since she's always on time. Finally, there she was by the teacher's side with... blonde, short hair. It took so much out of us to not burst out laughing at the sight of her. Her haircut was so bad and the bleaching very clearly damaged her hair. The teacher put the key in the lock of the door, twisting to open it. Even such a simple action can make you lose it with laughter. We persevered and it was the moment of truth. Miriam walked up to her desk and was horrified. Hands over her mouth, she stood there shocked, not moving, just staring down. "Is everything okay, Miriam?" asked Mr. Smith. Everyone turned around. Miriam mumbled something, but I couldn't understand it. The teacher walked up to her desk. Silence. Dead silence. "Clean it up." "W-what?" "I said, clean it up." Miriam turned to Mr. Smith. "B-but, I- the w-words! Mr. Smith-". He just sighed and walked back to the front. Tears flowing, Miriam got some tissue paper and water and started trying to scrub off the marker. We had to stay serious or we'd be suspected, but that was the best day of my life.

Or so I thought, until it became my worst nightmare. 

We just wanted to pull another one of our pranks. But it escalated past anything we could've ever imagined. 

During lunch we once again met Miriam. This time we actively looked for her. She didn't manage to get the marker of the desk, which we used to our advantage. "Hey Miriam, we're so sorry about your desk.." Miriam didn't believe our false kindness for even a second. She turned away, but I grabbed her by the shoulder, "W-wait! We just want to help! I remember they have cleaning supplies in the Home Ec room, maybe that could help you get the marker off of your desk?", I explained. She looked at us, clearly not trusting us. Ultimately she did end up agreeing to go to the Home Ec room with us. We had already gotten the key from a teacher. The walk there was in excruciating, awkward silence. Not being able to talk to Julie was awful for me. Standing in front of the door, I used the beforehand acquired key and unlocked the door. I allowed Miriam to enter first. "Do you remember where they put the clean--", she was interrupted by us slamming the door shut. Miriam ran over pulling at the door handle, but I quickly locked it. We could see her panicked expression through the door window. She was yelling and banging at the door, begging for us to open it. But we just stood there and laughed. Miriam turned around and turned back looking more horrified than before. Screaming louder, banging faster. And the only thing we did was laugh. We laughed and laughed some more. Eventually she gave up on the door and started trying to open the windows, but they were locked as well. Her desperation only made us laugh harder to the point our stomachs hurt. Miriam began to hyperventilate, she seemed to be losing her breath. However we didn't pay much attention. When we finally calmed down, we opened the door. And Miriam was just laying there on the floor, unconscious. "Is this supposed to be your idea of a prank?" Julie joked, almost making me laugh again. No response. "Ok it's not that funny, get up", I said and walked into the room annoyed. But I stopped dead in my tracks, when the air hit me. "Do you smell that..?" Julie stepped into the room. Gas. Standing there made me start to cough as there wasn't any air for me to breathe. Quickly looking around I noticed something, a broken pipe. A pipe that was connected to the stoves. A pipe supplying gas to the stoves. A pipe, now leaking gas into the room. As we realised what had happened, we looked down at Miriam, finally realising that she was in fact, dead. "Omg, no.. there's no way...! Miriam, get up!", desperately i shook her but to no avail. I hadn't even noticed, but Julie had already run off. Shaking, I threw the keys on the ground and ran too, like the coward I was.

I still remember that day very vividly. No one ever found that it was our fault. We lied and said we had given the keys to Miriam and left her alone in the room, that it was an accident and we weren't involved. The school, not wanting police involvement, believed us and shoved the incident under the rug. Julie and I stopped being friends after that. She said it was all my fault and if anyone found out, it would ruin her reputation. We argued over it plenty. I think that experience changed me. But Julie didn't seem to share that. She stayed as the popular girl in class and it stayed that way even way past our graduation. She pretended like it never happened. I became more closed off. I still had my friends, but since that day I haven't been the same. I stopped dyeing my hair blonde and let my natural black hair take back its place. Now, every time I see my reflection in a window, instead of seeing myself, I only see her, her cries for help, her tears, her desperation. I make sure to take great care of my hair. I hated the way I looked as a kid, so I changed everything, but I've found my way back.

I suppose in the end we- or rather Julie got what she wanted. She's the prettiest girl in her college and there's no black haired girl to change that.


Now, in the original story Miriam had attempted to kill herself. I personally found that the bullying that took place there was not substantial to make Miriams reaction reasonable/understandable. I know it may sound like I'm putting her down, but the way the story was written made it seem like it had only happened over the span of a few days, which is wayyy too fast in my opinion. Additionally, at the end of the story neither Julie nor the main character (Karen) showed any remorse for their actions. Don't get me wrong, having morally wrong characters is totally acceptable and even a good thing. However, you have 2 people doing bad things, which is the perfect opportunity to create contrast by making them react differently, which I brought into my version. 


I would love to receive feedback on this story, even if its already (surprisingly) a year old. I really want to start writing more, but I'm not entirely sure what to write about. If I ever do however, it would be very helpful to have feedback from completely unrelated people!