How to become a smartass -the reprise

It's no secret that I claim to be a smartass.  It's one of the things I come by naturally.  Call it talent if you will... call it what you want actually, it's not heading your way anytime soon.  Lemme get to my point here quickly because, let's be honest, you don't want to read any more words than you have to, and frankly, I don't want to write them either (laziness is NOT a disorder).  Many of the people I've met through the years CLAIM to be smartasses you see, yet few actually are.  There are a couple of subtle tricks to becoming a smartass that few have been lucky enough to have stumbled upon, and even fewer have been gifted with (like I have).  But, since I'm feeling ultra benevolent today and since there is a growing number of those of you out there that want to be just like me, but don't know how, I'm going to break it all down for you.

 

First, you have to realize one important thing: that there are basically two roads you can take when you're choosing to be an ass.  I'm going to open up the floor now for you to see if you can guess what they are:

 

Me: Smartass candidate number one, care to guess?

SAC#1: dumbass and smartass?

Me: Close.  I'm nicknaming you Captain Obvious, though.  SAC#2, do YOU care to guess?

SAC#2:  Wow, if that's not it, I don't know... horse's ass and smartass?

Me:  You two must share a brain.

SAC#1:  That's basically my answer!

Me:  I had no idea how right I was about the Captain Obvious thing.  Ok, let me save a lot of the guess work and just outright answer this for you two (and for anyone still reading).  The correct answer is "no."

SAC#1:  Oooooo good one.

Me:  Oh boy.

 

Ok, ok... there is the ever popular dumbass, and there is my personal preference, the smartass.  I hope that you're now seeing the subtle difference.  Way back when, when I was a yungun I felt behooved to choose the smartass path... call it less traveled or whatever, it just seemed... well... smarter to me, and it hasn't failed me since.

 

Alright, before any more of you quit reading, I'm moving on to point number two.  This one's pretty important if you ask me, but you didn't, like you were supposed to do.  Anyway, the point here is that if you're gonna strive to be a true smartass you have to be willing to inflict countless eye rolls, snort-slaps*, heavy sighs, and confused looks on your victims.  Did I forget to mention there were going to be victims?  Well there are.  Obviously, this point is not something with which I have a problem, and one mustn't take it lightly.  It's important to make this commitment at the outset or face being merely a temporary smartass which we all know boarders on becoming a wiseass, which is something completely different.  I've provided the link explaining the definition of commitment, for any males that happen to be reading right here.

 

OK thirdly, in the arena of smartassery, one must actually be smart.  This is where I'm going to lose most of you, not because you're going to be distracted by urges to call ME Captain Obvious, but because if you weren't gifted with the smarts, like I was, then you're facing a lot of work... you know, reading books and stuff.  I hear those help, anyway.  I wouldn't actually know, myself.  'Tis true though, one can only truly be making smartassed comments if there is some level of brain power exerted in the understanding of the comment, or in the finding any humor of it, which brings me to my next point.

 

Humor in the smartassed world is painful, usually for the recipient of the comment, but sometimes for the one making the comments.  It's a sort of slap-you-in-the-face style of humor that gives people that not so fresh feeling of the brain.  Some even go so far as to say it isn't humor, or it isn't funny, but they're just morons so pay them no attention.

 

Ok, so to sum up, to be a smart ass you have to a) be smart, b) be humorous in what you say, even if it's only to yourself, and c) be committed.  Committed, oh yeah... be wary of those offering you jackets if you're a smartass... they're likely to be the straight kind.

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*the snort-slap is when someone at first uncontrollably snorts at what you've said, and then realizes the inanity of the comment and feels compelled to slap you, primarily because they're ashamed they laughed at it.  If you get this response, you're well on your way to being a smartass.