not sure

i always have so much to say but i usually cant be bothered coming here these days to talk about it. but i honestly should though. its not like i tell anyone anything anyways so i suppose i should let it out somewhere. i keep seeing stuff about suppressing your emotions and how it can be bad for you. lowkey im cooked then because thats all i do T.T 

not gonna lie im kinda stuck right now. i dont really know how to be happier like nothing makes me happy. no one brings me joy these days at all. i hate everyone if im being honest. they dont understand at all. genuinely if i could i would rip my brain out just so they could understand. 

i should probably write here more often to actually somehow put my thoughts into words so im able to explain myself better.

im full of rage and sadness these days, i think its all built up from the months of shit ive endured. not gonna lie im slightly going a little bit crazy. small things dont bother me, i dont even bother to check anymore or care. im accepting defeat ngl. if people want to treat me that way they can. at the end of the day ill always have myself.

i need a hobby though because playing video games alone is so boring. ive been playing one with my friend for two days but im bored of that already. i just need a distraction. no person can distract me from what i cant escape. 

things were so good for me earlier this year, although everything was at the cost of my own feelings and vulnerability. honestly not being vulnerable anymore makes me feel so numb because i just keep everything in.

i dont know how to explain it but my heart aches so deeply every time i read a hurtful message or notice something painful. like my heart drops but also just feels so hollow. sometimes my stomach does it too. i dont even get sad though im just overall disappointed. 

i try so hard with people to see if things will actually change. nothing ever changes.

its crazy how easy people can get mad at me too just for going through things. the amount of people who are mad at me for not answering is crazy.

usually im one to answer straight away and always be all giddy and joyful, but the moment i quite literally am struggling with the loss of someone and then also my own issues, its just quite hard to not isolate myself. no one ever helps me so this is all i can do really.

i dont understand. if someone says they are going though things, i mean it great to ask them if they are okay but actions really do mean a lot. like maybe taking me out or planning something fun for us. i dont expect gifts at all. if anything i know i wont receive anything from anyone. but its just nice if people can plan to spend time with me. thoughtfulness is always great. 

i feel like im always the one doing things for others, giving things to others, telling things to others, i dont know anymore. i feel like ive lost all hope for myself. no one has hope in me, and i dont have hope in myself, so shouldnt i just die? 

its crazy how im always someones saving grace, a better person for people to lean on, but i have never once had a person like that in my life.

im unsure of anything anymore. i cant keep dishing out my kindness and expecting something back. im accepting the fact that maybe i was gifted with this and the ability to not receive anything back. but my life is torture. i deserve something good right?

i mean all i can do is focus on school and make it big. on my soul i wont be doing shit for anyone once im up. im done with all you losers.

i miss canada so badly. honestly now that i think about it, that one and only saving grace really is the times i go back to canada. its crazy how attached i am to a place. ever since i was young, that same heart ache feeling would come to me at the thought of any memory in correlation to canada. 

i think i just need to move there and start over. honestly if i can get heaps of jobs i would much rather slave away then sit at home on my ass. money provides happiness. i have no money, hence why im unhappy. if i had money, id be living alone, owning all the things i want, and eating well. 

i barely eat now. i hate to admit it but i think ive relapsed. i dont like saying it but i did have an eating disorder in 9th grade. i wasnt something i wanted to do, i love my body. but it just happens. i cant control it. it all started when i got some weird like sickness and i lost my taste but like it wasnt covid and i didnt lose my taste buds. its just that certain things would taste really metallic in my mouth, which caused me to refuse food because i literally couldnt eat it.

ever since then, my eating disorder comes in waves. every time im in canada, i find myself losing a lot of weight, but thats just because the fruit and veggies there suck, and thats all i eat over here haha. nah but i do eat a lot there, for some reason i just cant gain weight, i also have a fast metabolism soo.

anyways, on top of the financial abuse im going through rn with my dad, there barely food at home, which is alright i guess, but its prompted me into another cycle of this eating disorder shit like without my own will. 

i just dont have an appetite. 

man if i didnt waste all my money on that stupid adhd appointment id have enough money for a ticket to leave this place. now i gotta start all over again.

life is so unfair, idk what i did to deserve all of this.

people complain about their disordered minds causing them loneliness and blah blah blah but what happens when you are literally forced to feel pain and see all this shit around you and be forced to be alone when you dont want to be. im trapped. half of these "mentally ill" people live some of the best lives, and have so much support from others. lol i cant even get my own mother to understand me and that i struggle with things too. you live in perfect homes, get spoiled, have no distractions, how could you not want to get better?

its alright. maybe i was just chosen to live the worst life out of everyone. im unsure. perhaps i need to go away for a bit. thank god winter break is coming. maybe i can go somewhere.