RANKING FICTIONAL OLD MEN I WOULD FUCK

im known for having an eclectic taste in fictional men, apparently. like it’s my fault they're sexy. this list will rank their meaning to me, if we're fucking, and if we'd get married. i was gonna embed images to this but im high rn so i cant manage it sorry if im able to edit blog posts ill add them l8r.

*when i say lived in my head, i mean i would speak aloud to them if i was alone. i was alone often. 

**i could be biased about the star wars characters rn due to brainworms

1. Dr. Percival Ulysses "Perry" Cox

from: Scrubs 

actor: John C. McGinley

age: 41-49

argument: this guy lived in my head* for upwards of two years. ive done things to this guy that canon can only dream of, and he’s not the same character he once was. i have a funko pop and a 90s montage t-shirt of this guy. i wrote his name in my notebooks and doodled hearts around it. ive had three self insert ocs fuck him AND his ex wife nasty style and not a single one marries him. he was the first and last thing i thought about every day for years. i was so obsessed with him that my actual real life fiancée once called him my “fictional other”. i watch his angst episodes for fun. not only am i obsessed with him, im a total fucking prick about it and WILL make sure you know that i know more about him than you do. he has anger issues, he’s an alcoholic, he’s a self-loathing divorced doctor who has a son with his ex-wife booty call and he blossoms into a man that is personally cultivated to me. 

fuck? fucking obviously

marry? no, he's notoriously awful at marriage (shoutout to divorce!)

situationship? also no, we would be committed to each other but unlabeled cuz he’s been divorced already

2. BAU Chief Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner

from: Criminal Minds

actor: Thomas Gibson

age: 40-50 

argument: this guy also lived in my head on and off for several years. he’s separated, then gets widowed, he has a kid (whom i would care for immaculately), he kills the guy who murders his wife (COVERED IN BLOOD YIPPEE). he has anger issues, he’s traumatized, they keep putting him in scenarios and he keeps walking out alive yet heavily changed. plus he has two guns (fake guns, of course, are super hot). in a perfect world, he remarries to me and we live happily ever after with our third, emily prentiss. (or he’s my third with emily. idgaf.) 

fuck? yes, never at work

marry? yes, and he's one of the few men on here who would treat me right in a marriage

situationship? no. he's too committed for that 

3. Han Solo**

from: Star Wars original trilogy

actor: Harrison Ford

age: 38ish 

argument: he’s incapable of commitment, but i wouldn’t necessarily want to commit to him either, so he’s perfectly near the middle. he’s funny, he’s a dick, he’s an idiot, his car is breaking down… if i ever got in the cockpit of the millennium falcon you can best believe im slamming that shit around like im in the fast and the furious. which means, of course, that he would never ever let me drive his ship. that’s fine, ill just fuck him in the pilots chair. plus he has a son with severe daddy issues AND a divorce arc in the sequels and boy i love a divorce arc. 

fuck? nasty style and literally everywhere

marry? no, leia has dibs. besides they divorce

situationship? this is the ideal way to fuck han solo 

4. Obi-Wan Kenobi**

from: Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

actor: Ewan McGregor

age: 38

argument: he would treat me well, but he’d never be able to commit due to his religious affiliation. which is fine, i can handle that, just means we need to use protection. he’s SO sexy and i only wish i could see him covered in blood. plus his angst tastes pretty good too. however, he’s on the younger side, which is why he gets 4. im totally biased about this actually sorry give me two months and maybe ill edit this 

fuck? yes

marry? no, because he's a jedi

situationship? technically, cuz he's a jedi 

5. Stanley "Grunkle Stan" Pines

from: Gravity Falls

portrayed by: Alex Hirsch

age: 60s 

argument: also one of the few men on here that would treat me right. he’s on the older side (my sweet spot is usually 40s), but he’s a cantankerous old coot that could absolutely fuck nasty style. his back would definitely give out though so id spend the next week doing shit for him. plus, he’s got two totally awesome grandniblings. AND he’d never have to worry about me fucking his brother cuz while ford is hot he isn’t my type. 

fuck? YES.

marry? YES. prob in vegas

situationship? he treats me too well for it to be a situationship baby

6. Lieutenant Kelly Severide 

from: Chicago Fire

actor: Taylor Kinney 

age: 44

argument: 1. hes a firefighter. auto sexy 2. he’s an addict (often a surefire way to ensure my love for him). 3. im watching chicago fire so slowly that he’s still ever-present in my life. 

fuck? yes, but it would be totally vanilla. i doubt this man has ever had a kinky thought before. 

marry? stella kidd would actually murder me. 

situationship? early seasons yes, later seasons i think he’d want something unlabeled but he’d eventually commit 

7. Dr. Michael “Robby” Robinavitch 

from: The Pitt 

actor: Noah Wyle 

age: 53

reasoning: he’s hot as fuck, he struggles with his faith, he’s deeply traumatized, he has a breakdown where he loses his fucking marbles, but holy shit he’s holding it together the best he can. he’s so low on the list solely because the pitt only has 1 season atm so he’s not as developed of a character as everyone else here. he was supposed to be number 8 but i found out noah wyle is 53 so he gets an autobump to seven. WHAT a fox. 

fuck? YES

marry? if he’ll have me…

situationship? nope. he’s too legit for such a thing. we def wouldnt last tho

8. Gregory House

from: House, MD

actor: Hugh Laurie

age: 45-53 

argument: he lived in my head for several months, he's a pill addict, he's an asshole, but he's deeply loyal. he's also deeply messed up in the head, which is why he's down so far, because he can and will play mind games just to fuck with me. hot as fuck though. he’s got some threesome thing going on with cuddy and wilson though so he’s of course way more dedicated to that. which i understand, im also more committed to cuddy. he was supposed to be number 9 but i just found out the series ended w house at 53 so he just got an autobump over rick payne. sorry rick. it’s ranking old men, and you simply arent old. 

fuck? YES. and secret snuggles in bed.

marry? only for the bit. or the tax breaks

situationship? yes and he loves using that word

9. Rick Payne

from: Ghost Whisperer

actor: Jay Mohr

age: 36

argument: for one thing, he’s one of the youngest on the list. so he only counts as an old man so much. he was supposed to be number 7 but then i found out noah wyle is/hugh laurie was 53 so he got autobumped. but he’s funny and secretly nice, even if he just runs his mouth off, and he’s known for his patented Yearning, which is so fucking hot. he’s a little bit of a loser! and i love losers. plus he’s a fucking paranormal academic, they’re all a lil crazy in some way, and rick payne is no exception to such a thing. 

fuck?  yes

marry? sure but we'd prob divorce, mostly cuz he’s in love w melinda. also post divorce iirc…

situationship? he doesn't know what that is. why are you saying that. 

10. Rick Sanchez

from: Rick and Morty 

actor: Ian Cardoni

age: 50s-70s

argument: this is my most egregious offense, mostly due to age and a little due to his shenanigans. however, he's fake, and a cartoon, so it's incredibly easy to find him sexy, especially when he's covered in blood. when he beat the shit out of rick prime i actually got so hard that i passed out. plus he's an asshole.

fuck? yes, nasty sloppy drunk style

marry? fuck NOOOOOO im not marrying into that family lolol

situationship? 100% that's all we could ever be

HONORABLE MENTIONS: TOP OLD WOMEN 

1. BAU Chief Emily Prentiss

from: Criminal Minds

actor: Paget Brewster 

age: 56 (HELLO GORGEOUS)

argument: lol. look her up. that’s my argument. she’s my everything. she single handedly convinced me i was fully a lesbian for a year. also lived in my head. plus 10+ years of development has shown her become such a flavored character.

2. Jordan Sullivan

from: Scrubs 

actor: Christa Miller

age: 46

argument: 1. SEXY 2. the dynamic as the third to her and perry… it’s unmatched. she lived in my head with him sometimes. 3. she’s incredibly easy to laugh at

3. Dr. Lisa Cuddy

from: House, MD

actor: Lisa Edelstein 

age: 44 

argument: 1. fourth between her/house/wilson umami… 2. beautiful. absolutely stunning.