on birthdays

first post on spacehey! i'm still learning how to use this page, but i'll start off by saying hi to whoever reads this.

i turned 22 yesterday. i don't know if the pain comes with age as soon as your birthday but yesterday it sort of felt like it, against all odds.

and i say this because the last 2-3 years of birthdays have felt like forced celebrations with shadow people and fakes. 2022 was that buck-wild era of "covid's kinda over, everyone let's spend massively and party" so i noticed that whoever i invited would practically show up. 

i celebrated twice, first at a bar with a few then-friends and some people i knew that just popped up because someone invited them, we got there, they paid for my drinks, we sort of had "fun" and left early because the fuck we were doing at a bar on a tuesday in may; my "actual" celebration happened on a weekend, at my house and everything went sour that night. and i really mean it.

then as my circle expanded, my house got packed on 2023. i could've counted like 18-20 people or so. i hated hosting that and even more having people sleep over. i really wanted to rest and sleep a little and i had to be aware of people leaving ocasionally during the morning. only one of my friends stayed over until the next evening and we had one of the most wholesome days of my life. we watched the barcelona derby together, eating a bowl of spaghetti i prepared for the both of us. we listened to a ton of music and talked like crazy.

last year was both beautiful and an absolute mess. my birthday caught up with me being unemployed and broke, having spent all the money i had that same day on a third of my uni inscription (i'm in my 7th term of a visual media degree, but that's another story) and being on the edge of an absolute hell of a situation that would end my relationship with a specific friend group due to boundaries not being met on my end. i didn't know what to do so i felt pressure to say "fuck it" and have people at my house.

i dressed up all pretty and comfy and i probably invited like 10-12 people and only about half showed up, the rest either ditched or didn't remember. out of the people that came only 2 would actually remain very close friends up to today, the rest are still cool w/ me but due to not sharing the same spaces anymore we've gone estranged, except one dude who at the time was my longest-standing close friendship and now we can't even see face to face. he came over that day and by that time i was already suspecting of his ass. it sucked. we almost had nothing to drink, everyone looked like it was just a regular day and dude made some snarky comments that honestly, i was way too chill with and i should've kicked him out.

so with that in mind, next to having previous b-days also be ruined slightly by my parents and a previous relationship, my background is: i really don't enjoy my birthdays. i hate being the only one to show effort just to feel disappointed at the end.

this year my friend group is pretty much tight. even though i'm sort of bummed out and disappointed today, everyone was asking me to do something. people wanted to see me and spend time w/ me. i came in denying a party. because parties scare me. crowds scare me. hosting is very intimidating.

i wanted to have a small hangout at a friend's house. about 8 or 10 people. all in our pjs for a full evening just talking shit playing board games or ps4 and maybe having a few drinks. work basically makes my life a living hell (not even mentioning how little i earn) so i've stayed away from partying and escapism and i really wanted some quality time with the people i love most.

but it all got canceled twice due to scheduling issues and fucking mother's day being today. but the worst thing? it just felt like my birthday didn't even happen.

i got the most half-assed set of congratulations i've ever had. no one showed any initiative to even see me yesterday or to reschedule anything. no one posted jack shit which is crazy to me knowing i always not only post everyone i love but shower their chats with love and appreciation. and to be honest, that led to a lot of people who i love but aren't close or perhaps don't even live here anymore, forgetting it even happened.

and i'm frustrated as fuck. i cried my life out yesterday. i watched the latest ufc ppv after eating a pair of nasty chicken sandwiches and feeling like a complete loser. i watched lady gaga perform dope at the ytmas on loop, feeling every tear she shed in the fiercest, most monolithical way.

i don't know if it was irrational of me to feel this sad about it, it's not like i'll hold any grudges to my friends for doing so. it wasn't like they actually did something to me but i can't help feeling like all my effort and care for everyone feels wasted.

i write this in dried tears, freezing in my bedroom. i'm not even wrapped up in my blanket as always, but i can't help actually releasing all my fears and laying bare in here.