Report Blog Entry
PLZ DONT DO ANYTHING IM GONNA TALK ABOUT EVEN IF I SAY THAT IT'S COOL!!!!
TW: mention of : self harm, bood, drugs, death, sex and disgusting stuff !!!!
(this is a vent, not me trying to find someone so plz shut up)
I wanna destroy myself, why ? I dont really know. I just don't wanna die until I didn't fully destroy myself, the only way I love myself is when I'm a mess and when I'm broken. But I dont wanna destroy myself alone, I hate being alone even when I know that people should not be with me cause I'm toxic as fuck.
I need someone. I dont care their age or gender, I need someone older who could tell me that I'm a good boy but I need them to also destroy me, but also taking care of me. I want someone with who we could self harm , do drugs, smoke, fuck, watching gore and porn together without telling me this is bad and taking care of me after that. I want to be manipuled ,to be hated , but I want and need love, I need someone who could really love me and not giving a damn about my gender identity. I could do anything just to be called a good boy.
I need to cover my body with scars, I love scars, I need more scars, I only feel pretty with scars. I want someone who could kiss my scars and lick the blood falling down from the cuts and cleaning them just after, I need comfort. I want to live only for destroying myself because when I would fully destroyed myself, I would kill myself with no hesitation (in fact I think I would hesitate because of my friends, I also dont wanna leave my friends alone, even if I feel like they would not care if I die).
If my younger self read that, she would be so disapointed... I always promised me that I would change, that I would stop being weird and disgusting. But I guess I would always be like this.... a disgusting, horny, self-destructive, ugly, annoying monster... I've always saw myself as a monster. and it will never change.
Why am I so dramatic, like, my life wasn't that bad, people lives are so much shittier than mine, I grew up as a girl with parents who loved me, even if my dad was an alcoholic who didnt showed me a lot of love and my mother used to leaft me behind because my sister was better than me, they loved me. School was good, I had friends, I was just weird and horny for no reasons but at least my friends was nice to me. Then, when I was 10, I went to a new school (it's kinda hard to explain cause the school system isnt the same in france), The first year was good, I guess, I didnt had a lot of friends and other people didnt know that I existed but the second year was.... not that good... I made new "friends", I had my first big crush, getting rejected by my crush, being leaft out by my "friend" because I was annoying and cringe, being judge by other because of my style, starting to have an ED , try self harm for the first time (soft), having my first dark thoughts....it was like that for more then two years. This years was better, this bitch finally stopped making my life hell (that "friend" I was talking about who left me out, talked in my back, telling my secret to everyone, manipulate me for nor reason at all, I was maybe cringe but I've never been a bad persone, ok, maybe now I deseve that, but not when I meet her, I was a good persone. I guess....Im not even sure.....) (oh and she in fact not really stopped but at least it's not that bad as the other years), people still ljudge me bacause of my style, now I go by he/his and they/them, I discoverd that I was hypersexual and that I have social anxity and anorexia, now I self harm for real and already try to kill myself but now I feel really loved and I have good friends and online friends that I love much more than anythings. And yeah, I lost my cats and my dog that I loved so much and now my parents are poor and have debts to pay and bearly have money. My life isnt that bad so why the fuck am I like this ?!
Why the hell am I so dramatic, I dont feel valid , I dont feel like my life was enough shitty to end up like I end up, so why the fuck do I want to destroy myself, why do I want to die or to end up in a mental hospital, why do I feel like I deserve it ?...But, if i destroy myself, can I at least not be alone for once ?....
I hate my self so musch... I dont even know if I want people to hate me too, or to love me. because I deserve to be hated, but I want to be loved so bad.......
please help me....
Comments
Displaying 2 of 2 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
Mayan
I completely get you, i feel exacty the same and i wish i could help you with that, you deserve the world Arthur <3
thanks you Mayan <3
by Arthur (=^･ω･^=); ; Report
BATHORy
Hi there
You have value as a human being. You matter. You are your own unique human being who will experience life in your own special, individual way, and I hope that in the future you are able to experience beautiful things. I hope you are able to enjoy the things you love and live the life you deserve, without too much tragedy or hardship, and I hope you're able to learn more about yourself as you grow up and get more opportunities to express yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin, and find safe people who understand you.
I can't say I understand your experiences. I'm not you. But I do know that I know a similar feeling. I have struggled with mental health, and during my lowest and most vulnerable moments even to this day I struggle with not "letting myself spiral" to the lowest point possible. When I was 17 all I wanted to do was descend into the worst possible version of myself, completely give up on my existence, be worth nothing-- it brought me a sense of comfort to imagine myself in this suffering, almost euphoric. Is that something you relate to?
I'm almost 20 now and life has changed, like life does, and things got better. I know a lot of people say this all of the time and it usually feels like stupid bs that doesn't really help. But the reason I'm saying this is because I want you to know there are people out there who are there for you, that time is going to keep moving forward and life WILL change in ways you don't even know yet.
I recognize that you feel right now like you need to be suffering. I'm going to assume you feel in some way that you're "wrong" and "fucked up" and that you have some sense of needing to punish yourself for this, I understand you feeling like you didn't have "that bad" of a childhood therefore the way you feel is invalid-- but take a step back-- you are suffering. You are not okay, right now. It doesn't matter if you feel like it's not bad enough, or wasn't that bad. You. are. suffering. and THAT is very real, very present, and very valid. You deserve love, care, and to feel better.
I don't live your life, I don't know you, but I just want you to at least hear that you're valid and that it's okay that you are the way you are and that there is a chance for change and that things are going to be okay
Also I saw you had an earlier blog about making music! That's cool! Keep trying stuff like that!
by BATHORy; ; Report
your comment make me cry, you understand me and you are very kind, honestly it help me a lot, hearing someone say that im valid wasn't a thing I know i needed but I neded to hear it so bad, thanks you for believe in me, it mean a lot to me, I dont even know what to reply because you're so kind and its mean so much to me
by Arthur (=^･ω･^=); ; Report
and yeah, Im gonna make music and try to make things cool and make my life less sad
by Arthur (=^･ω･^=); ; Report
I'm just happy that it resonated with you!!! Just remember that you are going to be okay, and that there will always be a chance for you :) try to engage in hobbies and say nice things about yourself to yourself when you can, it genuinely helps!! I believe in you, you got this!!
I probably won't ever see you again online, but I hope you have a good life. There's a stranger out there rooting for you!
by BATHORy; ; Report
I wish you a good life too, thanks you for being kind to me , you deserve the world ^^
by Arthur (=^･ω･^=); ; Report