um..that what it was,that was enough for me

Man,I am gonna keep a track of my entries,I am afraid too many sad stuff might make me conclude to the severity of my bad luck and mental health situation lmao.

My boyfriend's birthday just got done,I tried my best despite my exam timeline,got him some cheesecake,kfc bucket and happy meal along with collages and showing unfinished projects of game dev and coding I indented to make for him.

Long distance is hard,and with him being with his toxic parents makes it impossible to send him anything,I thought after his medical exam things will change

It never changes...

Ever since I moved to this new place,there's a lot of work to do,today was worst of all,my ece exam didn't go well(can I just focus on my CS,I swear Btech makes you do such random compulsory subjects in my country) then had 4hr cleaning session at my dorm,all the drilling of yesterday to fix rods for curtain just made the room unbearable with fine dust.

We don't have vaccum,it's broom and mop all over it.

I was exhausted,this dorm is just unbearably hot for me.I am someone who sweats a lot and can't take heat well(ya,slander me in the name of living in this tropical country,cant wait to move somewhere normal/colder regions).My sleep schedule has become worse.The moment the sun heats the wall of my dorm at top floor,it gets heated up,literally a furnace.

Imagine waking by 5am,cramming for exams and celebrating his birthday at 12am,attending exams,cleaning the entire hot dorm at peak heat of afternoon and then ordering things for your bf only for his mom to barge in to eat the gifts I sent.

I think that was my last straw,I was trying to hold it in,but I had enough of it.

I just finished reading through my last exams which is in 9hrs.These are mid term exams,the final exams which matters and has actual grading is from 22nd May.

I am just exhausted with Rapunzel ahh boyfriend trapped in a house like that,I hope he gets college this year and moves out.Today,I saw a youtube shorts where the father was saying to her daughter that only few women are happy with their men,rest are just strong women.Hit me like a ta-dow XD.

Sometimes I feel,if my father was always sober,maybe I would have had better standards,that I wouldn't find going through struggles as normal or always trying to make the impossible situations workable.

I just wished that I was loved right,I often see daughters with good fathers,choosing such good men.I remember three years back,I never wanted to marry,I loved god,as universal energy,I felt that was the most near I could be to self love for all souls come from one universe,like children of the universe,souls and energies never die.It was so comforting to know,that god will always love me more than I will ever do

Now instead of aiming for single nun/priest lifestyle in future,I don't know where I am heading to anymore.It's hard looking at yourself change into something,that was never my faith and beliefs to begin with.All I ever wanted was to my parents to be together and be happy,I felt i could it.

I was wrong,it was never supposed to be me,idk why I thought I can fix it.

With my situations about my relationship getting harder day by day,I sometimes I hate how much I hate myself,that idc abt myself because if I did I wouldn't be putting myself with the hopes and my breakage of hopes on periodic manner.

All I ever wanted was to be loved,to stay with the people who made me happy.

I miss Sweta,Kuhu,Gauri,Anushree,Ishika,etc the people I lost with every shift my dad was allotted.Some changed,some forgot and some gave me nightmare and trauma till to this date.

I have lost myself with time,fragments of me in every city/towns I went to.If I was not habituated to hardships,would I do what I am doing rn

Because I know with how much I do,nobody is a bum like me to sacrifice their important things for me

That I will never be someone's first priority like I make other

I guess overwork is my answer,cause if I speak up I am the issue and need therapist and meds,which I will happily take and die,I am more than happy to die.

Living is hard but it wasn't meant to make you hopeless and make you suffer.

I hate everyone,I just wanna detach,forget and maybe today I will dream about my past self,who probably hates me now,I am sorry my little self,that I suppressed you so much,that I couldn't love you right,associated you with people who are just like your parents,who broke you time and time again,I really wanna change but I need professional help because I am always back to square one

I need acceptance and space to heal,I am afraid my brain has forgot many traumatic things,I don't know how will I ever bring myself out of this space and rewire my brain

and why do I keep being with people who always hurt me and never keep their words,I hate lies & fake promises

My boyfriend's parents are ass and if we ever get married and if he wines abt them I will drop him and his family from the hills,they make his life hell,for past three years,thats what I witness in my relationship

he keeps shit talking abt my parents which i agree,some of them are true but his parents are insensitive and take the entire ordeal to the next level even when it comes to punishment.

universe just wanna torture me,by taking away my friends,through this ldr,etc,I am tired of putting efforts and never getting it back