and now what? (final)

And now what?
After everything — after blaming myself for what happened to me, after the things I did and allowed during my childhood and youth, after staying the same — I realized that life isn't so bad. It took me a long time to understand this, but even so, I feel I grew up believing that things would always be this way. I spent years convincing myself not to see the good in anything. But today, I understand that it was never truly who I was — it was just a way to protect myself.

I wish I could apologize to the people who had to endure me all these years — to those I hurt. I never wanted to be helped, not back then.

Today, in just ten days, I will move to California to live on my own. I don’t know why me — someone so selfish, disconnected from life, and at times a bad person — would deserve an opportunity like this. I’m going to live with my husband, and I’m genuinely happy to start over. But still… why me?

I've always had this kind of luck in life. Even though I didn’t grow up with financial stability or surrounded by good people, I always managed to enjoy the little I had. When I came to the U.S., I never imagined I’d achieve what I have now. And I’m not talking about material things like a house or wealth — I mean being able to speak fluently with others, the friends I’ve had along the way (even if only one remains today), and the pride I feel when I’m able to walk away from situations once I recognize my limit.

I now enjoy going out, even if there are crowds — something I used to hate. I even find joy in small things like going for a walk. I used to hate Florida with all my heart — the noise, the heat — but today, it’s everything I love. No one here cares who I am, and that, in itself, is a gift