I think I would have more self-esteem if I were white.

Obviously, I'm not writing this with the intention of belittling white people, we all suffer no matter how we are, I'm simply speaking from my experience.

Since I was little, I had insecurities about my skin tone, a feeling that wasn't caused by my environment, since neither my family (half of my family is white), nor my friends, nor my classmates treated me badly because of it.

I also haven't experienced many situations of racism in my life, and I never felt inferior for being black, because around me there was a mix of people: Spaniards, Latinos, Africans, Roma, Indians, even a Russian or two.

But even so, my skin color always increased my insecurities, to the point where I used to think that makeup was only for white people or very beautiful black people, and I didn’t realize that those thoughts were caused by my low self-esteem, because when I saw a black woman wearing makeup, I didn’t think she looked bad, but when I wore makeup, then I would say it looked bad on me because I was black.

This has to do with my rejection of my African heritage:
My mother is from Spain, my father from Ghana, and I was born in Spain; the way I speak, express myself, and my culture are completely Spanish, but my appearance is completely Ghanaian.
And when the only thing that connects you to your black heritage is an alcoholic man who has traumatized and belittled you for years, it's inevitable to feel rejection toward that part of me.

That’s why I think that, if I were white, my self-esteem would be much better, because when I looked in the mirror I wouldn’t see my father, but I would see myself.