I'm so excited to start this blog! Pardon the poor formatting mistakes and rambles, I've never written for fun before and I'm sleep deprived like a mf. I'd love to expel my thoughts at the end of the day into the void because I don't know anyone IRL that's into the things I'm into. :( But that's ok!!! Anyways... onto introductions! I'm Lennan, I'm 22 and am engaged to TLOML!!! We have a six month old baby (6mo as of today!!) and he's growing so fast I barely have any time! It took me from sunrise to sunset to find the time to finish this page... Since becoming a mother a lot of mix emotions and whack hormones have made me loose a sense of self... I was reading too far into every reel I watched and every picture of a women made me feel like I was that much closer to my enviable aging...

Slowly I've been coming to terms with my new life, having a baby is awesome after all! I started my healing journey really, really slowly. I tried to start during pregnancy so I would be prepared when my son arrived but that didn't work lol. I've been going back and fourth my whole life determined to change and heal my inner self without actually putting forth the effort to actually change for the better. I stayed on social media, consumed what I knew made me feel like complete crap, and even fell into the "momtok" side of things which did not help with PPD/PPA. I decided enough was enough and deleted most all social medias from my phone.

Starting off was extremely difficult I won't lie to you. I was soooo bored all of the time and nothing was interesting or exciting. I decided that cold turkey might be a little too harsh... so I downloaded reddit again. In all honest reddit is whatever you want it to be. If you don't want to see something just don't join that subreddit , at least that's what I do. I'm able to keep up with the bronies and furries and all of my fandoms that way. Every time I watched a reel I would shut it down and replace it with some reddit reading. Helps a whole lot but you are replacing one media with another. My long term goal for eliminating social media is to stick with long form content and written media. Keeps my brain paying attention to one thing and trains it to stay focused on that thing for longer periods of time.

With the amount of effort I've been doing to change my life you would expect to see some noticeable change in me. But no, that's not how life works, and I'm just now learning this. When you put forth the effort to fix a problem within yourself you're not going to want to admit your faults. I wouldn't listen to anyone in IRL, in my head they were just spitting nonsense. Not until my best friend straight up called me out for becoming an angry and bitter partner in my relationship due to the struggles of a newborn and lack of communication. She suggested a SELF HELP book and told me to keep an open mind.

I went full on change everything about myself and forced a bunch of solutions into my life. That obviously created tension as I wasn't achieving what I wanted within myself and honestly was just becoming a whole lot worse. I took a step back and decided to rethink how I'm going about fixing my problems. I noticed, in my head, I was always telling myself to change for others, even if it was something I hold dear to myself. Instead of always doubting and wanting to please my partner by doing more around the house I thought about myself. What did I need to start doing to be a little happier and maybe be able to actually get things taken care of?

My baby was about 4 months old when I started going out of the house again. It started with just quick shopping trips to pick up more clothes for baby as he grows out of them every month. Turns out after hating shopping for clothes my whole life it's actually not all that bad. All it took for me to find something I genuinely enjoy doing was leaving my house, don't be ashamed to ask someone to come with you! Now I try to get out at least once a week and keep my weekends busy outside of my house and leave the week days for the house work and internet time.Trying on a new style, looking good, going out, putting a little more time into makeup and skincare, feeling confident all got me that one step closer to feeling like myself again.

Quick recap TL;DR. To better improve my mental health and confidence I removed the majority of social media platforms from my devices and turned to long form content and reading to help with my attention span and boredom. Spending less time online made me feel like I wanted to be apart of the world again so I started small by getting out and shopping which boosted my confidence and helped me find a new style! All of this was great and I was starting to see an actual difference in myself but I would still lash out and cause tension in our home.

Even though I still make the same mistakes I don't let my epic fails drag me down. Sure I still feel very very childish and dumb when I make a mistake or lash out but I'm getting better at calming myself in my head before I spat some nonsense out. Hopefully with enough consistency and effort I can make everyday a good day for my family and more importantly myself so I can be their foundation. The mother my son deserves. <3

Thank you for reading! I hope to continue with more forward progress as it feels so freaking good to be happy the majority of the time. "Keep Moving Forward!" Feel free to comment or PM and we can chit-chat about life and such. I'm searching for more female friends as a female with few females in her life! XD Just don't be a weirdo plz.... I plan to blog more so follow to tune in! Love you besties!

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