Life Updates

It's been a long time since I wrote about (and privated) my last entry. I won't say a whole lot has happened but the few things there are have been significant to me.

____________________

I am hopefully finally done with university. After this term, I should be done. I've submitted my degree application, I have my tickets, and a date. I really don't know if I'm going to be able to do anything with my degree, but I'm so relieved that it's almost over. There were so many things that pushed me back over the last few years to where I've even had to take an extra year of classes. There's been so many restrictions as well due to still being a student and I'll finally be free of them. I already have a few ideas of where I would like to apply to work, they're nothing crazy but just the idea of them brings me fulfillment.

____________________

Over New Years, I lost a friend I've had for the past few years. Throughout the course of our friendship, I was essentially isolated from most others I knew and made to be co-dependent with this person. After taking time away from them, it also became blatantly clear that I wasn't even really my own person. Things were always very wishy-washy but really started to go downwards in the summer. They had gone on a trip and due to them being the only person outside of family I spoke to in-person, I began trying to socialize with others again as I didn't want to be alone in my boredom for half a month. Upon their return, there were just really off putting reactions any time I wouldn't allocate my time and attention solely towards them, which also lead to arguments over really minuscule things, such as posts on Twitter. I dealt with frequent episodes of them going radio silent for days at a time, but if I wouldn't respond with a certain amount of time, I would receive more message of them saying they want to self harm and what not. Whenever these episodes and arguments would occur, they would constantly bring up how I wouldn't want to be friends anymore, that I didn't care about them, that I wasn't happy for them, or they would completely deflect accountability. 

Just before Christmas we had a disagreement over a Twitter post of all things, they wanted to continue arguing while I didn't. Due to me removing them from Twitter and privating my account, they'd gone nuclear and left pretty much anything we were mutually a part of. Only a week or so after New Years did they attempt to contact me but at that point I had decided I was done with them. I greatly understand how chronically online this sounds, however this was a friend I had in-person. Nearly anything I did online they also managed to be part of as well, so after I was isolated from other people in-person, I also never had an outlet or reprieve online either. It got to a point where I even believe they might've continued being signed into my social media accounts and would read my messages with people.

This entire situation has left such a damaging mark on me. I am left unable to really connect with others as well as my social skills, that were already not great due to AuDHD, being heavily deteriorated. There is a genuine want to connect with others but I just don't know how to anymore. I feel so incredibly lonesome so often, it's horrid.

____________________

Previously I had mentioned in a blog post that my health had been worsening and this still remains true. I have tried for eight months to see specialists, but there's always some issue. I've had to try getting 5 different referrals and have changed my insurance 4 times yet there's just an issue no matter what I do. I was finally able to at least get a CT scan for an unrelated issue with pain, and now have to receive surgery to remove tumors. Ironically enough, I've had surgery for the same issue exactly ten years prior too. I don't fear surgery itself much, just really what would come after. There is a very likely chance that I could lose my ovary, as I had one removed during my first surgery. If this is to happen, I would never be able to have children biologically but I would also experience menopause immediately after as well. I'm only twenty two yet the possibility of this thing that I shouldn't have to experience for at least another two and a half decades coming to the forefront is so overwhelming, especially when remembering what was said when the possibility was brought up the first time around. Even on top of this, I've still not been able to see someone for my other issues either. I've also discovered that my surgery will take place a few days before my commencement. Whether or not I'll be able to walk, we'll see.

____________________

Fortunately, I've found a few things that I can occupy my time with that I forgot about over the last few months. I've begun to pick up drawing again, I'm getting back into reading, I'm also starting a new kind of collection. Rather than collecting albums and trinkets, I've started also collecting series and movies! It's not a super large or "intellectual" collection, but it's still fun nonetheless. Previously I would go to the theater, but being able to stay home to enjoy films I love, especially given my health, is more than enough for me to be happy.