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TW: mentions of hallucinations, depression, intrusive thoughts
So I have really bad episodes sometimes (because of bpd, autism, pmdd, and adhd) and I'm actually getting extremely sick of it I'm ngl. I'll get really bad nightmares and have auditory hallucinations/waking up because I feel like bugs are crawling on me at times and it's getting pretty ridiculous. It's not constant like every single day/night but it's still terrifying to me. My whole perception on who I even am just changes drastically so much that I don't even know what to think of myself anymore, I can't even recognize what I even look like at times.
I can't even go to sleep sometimes because I'll get to paranoid to go to bed like my hormones are just complete wack for some reason, I remember I used to have the same thing when i was younger except I'd hallucinate every single night, at the time it was just because of religious trauma?? ( 5 - 8) But Idek. Like I keep generally feeling like I'm being watched at times (intrusive thought) or I just feel really dissociative/paranoid.
It's strictly around my pmdd cycles that I have hallucinations (unless I have situations that trigger extreme stress) I just feel really concerned because I'm worried that if I see a doctor about it they won't take it seriously. But like something is seriously wrong.
I've also noticed I get colds/fevers/or the flu during that time aswell and it's not good for my sensory issues, and my depression symptoms will also SKYROCKET. I'll also lose my appetite completely (which I guess is a quite normal thing to hear) but it really isn't good considering if I don't eat my mood swings will get worse. It's all just really unfortunate because I really am trying to like- get better and have a better healthy lifestyle but this seems like something I have no control over 🙁🙁
Not only that but it has caused me to impulsively do things I wouldn't normally say or do and it's just like?? Idk. I hate regressing and turning back to old habits every month during that time.
I'll see if I can set up a doctors appointment about it or something because I don't think I can keep rawdogging my symptoms without meds (besides like ones for pain physically) I've had enough. Even if the meds don't work like I'd rather feel a little better than whatever ts is.
It's also just that I keep imagining these really disturbing scenarios aswell constantly and it just freaks me out so bad. I really don't think talk therapy is enough for whatever I'm going through because it seems like they never get the full picture or take it seriously until I hit the worst and it's not fair to me. I used to be on something for it but it only made things worse 💔💔
I would write about it more but it's really complex and I don't want to get to into it but yeah it's not fun. I've tried coping the best I can but it doesn't change how disappointing and scary it feels.
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Chicken Pox
i get you tbh, but i had an extreme hallucinatory episode only once, and it was when my FP blocked me after i accused him in spectating on me, yet it was caused by my delusions that were caused by my hypomaniacal episode in turn. when i was showering, i started hearing loud tinnitus so loud i couldn't even hear my own thoughts. i decided i won't go to bed that day because i wanted to force my brain to fall asleep only on schedule, it was too late for it that day. i tried to mute the tinnitus and make myself stay up by listening to loud music, such as lunkin park, evanescence. after that, my vision started to get blurry and i sat down on my bed. later i felt non-existent bugs running on my skin and saw cockroaches running towards me on my bed, they disappeared when i blinked though. the darkness scared the shit out of me, so i came to my bathroom and decided to start the day much earlier, it was 4 AM, my first class begins at 8:30 AM. i saw a black figure behind my back in the mirror.
not to mention the amount of memories that came back to my consciousness that night. the whole last year i assumed i had bad memory of my childhood bc of ADHD, i was in selfdeception of my amnesia or smth. i remembered A LOT of autobiography, the memories were running almost in front of my eyes. i had flashbacks, in short.
lamotrigine and sertraline (also known as zoloft) gets me through this, i hope you'll see a therapist and they will prescribe you something! also about bpd, have you heard of "the borderline personality workbook" by daniel j. fox? it was really helpful for me, it has a lot of info on the disorder, with explanations and examples of the doctor's patients with it, and the main pro of it is the practical exercises to learn to live with it. it contains DBT, CBT, acceptance and responsibilty therapy, and interpersonal therapy.
no matter the challenges, you'll get through this! you've got this!