the dying artist in me

so

i am gonna be graduating from high school real soon and im gonna prepare for college and for once in my life i have never dreaded my future. my parents are the classic strict "think of your future" kind and of course they care so much about what course i will be taking and it's practicability.

ever since i was a kid i knew that i wanted to perform to sing, to dance to be on stage and express myself on there but of course those dreams died so many years ago. there are still hints of my passion in the performing and creative arts but i've completely given up because it isn't practical, it isn't gonna get me money, it isn't a "good job" but its my passion, it always has been and despite my years of not even considering and thinking of it. i know that it's what i truly want.

i told my parents that i wanted to be a diplomat and take FA/IR but its a lie and i dread going to college and taking the course that i didn't want. i dread having to graduate with a bachelor in foreign affairs, i dread having to wear a suit and be involved in countries politics, i dread it so much. thats not who i am. im a performer not a fucking politician. im a good actor, i can act but i don't think i can act like im happy for 4 years as i take this dreadful fucked up course.

i know that i have talent in performing, i used to sing and dance, i can act but of course i get cold feet. there are so many people better than me that i got discouraged. my parents don't actually believe me, my dad deadass fucking told me i suck at singing and my mom always compares my dancing skills to my cousins and of course whenever i bring it up they tell me how fucking unpractical it is and how it's not "useful" in this world. so of course thats the reason it fucking died because no one fucking believed me. the one person who did was a classmate of mine in grade 10 and of course she can succeed, she actually has talent, she actually has skill, so many people believe in her. why can't i be like her?? why??

i do thank my boyfriend for trying to revive my inner performer, i really do i just wonder if i ever will be able to confront my parent's ideals on me being a politician...

i give up, i don't know if i will ever make it, i just give up but i don't want to give up, i don't want to live a life i dread everyday for