MY BF BROKE UP WITH ME PT 3.

haii, so how are you guyss??? if u are new to this kind of blog my ex broke up with me a couple of days before our aniversary of 2 years and im telling you all about what hapend betwen us...

there are something really messed up that marked me and its quiet affecting me. The only time i felt peace is when we had intimacy, is the only time when we didnt fought and yell at eachother. I felt always like a toy in that way, I tried telling him the night we fought for the last time and he started telling me how he was abused himself (he already told me that) and that intimacy wasnt important to him, for me it was important being the only moment when I felt "loved by him" and he kept saying he didnt told me before, he for a reason i dont understand likes to ghastlight me with small stuff. I guess he liked when I couldnt take it anymore and I explote and yell at me, that is abusive behavour and i know it now, he forced me to have eposides of rage so he could blame everything on me...

Now that I think of it more as i text u all ths I really think he liked having control over my emotions. The first year felt like a dream, he payed all the dates, bought me dresses and accesories, he even got me a promise ring but in new year eve he decided to make it a hell for me. The first cristhmass i spent out of my fam was with him at his house, his family was so calm and he had a pretty orange cat and he have the best time I could dream of. Oh but at my place the next year he yelled at me, miss treated me, made me cry and this hit even harder having in mind I told him I didnt like this festivities becuase my family had the tendencies to fight in this days or drink AND fight. The next morning he once again checked my phone, in this time I cheated on him. My reason was that I wanted to feel good and loved by someone, I know I should have broke up with me in the moment i didnt felt loved by him to not hurt him, I know but I was so dependent and stupid i didnt do it... he asked why and told him, he wanted to leave but i begged him to not (I KNOW IT WAS ANOTHER MISTAKE). Because of this situations, even after i proofed him I could change he would never let me forget, I would sh myself because of this and yes, again straight to the ER for a couple of days and got my phone and social taken away... 

And yes, im still sorry and ashamed for cheating, I never had done it before being with him a nd I have changed for good thanks to my therapy.

I begged him to go to therapy too, so he could work on his "behavour" but he never listen to me. Honestly that he ghosted me was the best thing could hapend to me, I still deal with anxiety crisis during the day, I cry a lot but I feel so much calm at the same time now that he is not blaming me on everything. Thank you for seen me, even if its only one person <3. Writing everything on here has actually helped me to not text him so Im gonna keep telling you guys stuff about my life.