Off-days

Hello.

I work as a substitute teacher part-time as I am in grad school, and when I have no schoolwork to do and no sub job lined up for the day, I surprisingly find myself with a handful of free time during the day. Girlfriend, friends, and family all at work, I am left to my own devices trying desperately to be productive with my extra free hours during the day. I feel a sense of guilt when I am not "doing anything" with this free time, and lately I have had a growing wonder of why this is the case. 

Why am I meant to feel bad about the extra time I have given myself? 

Maybe it is the activities that I choose to do with this free time. Sites like Instagram and TikTok are curated to monopolize our time, and they do a great job of it. Alongside this feeling of guilt towards my free time comes an ever growing contempt for these sites as well. They suck. 

Even without the distraction of these sites, I still feel that pang of guilt when I am not being "productive enough". My most recent development is that on these off-days, it is important to 1) not be so hard on myself, and 2) to consume content that enriches me. Read more, write more, force myself to sit and listen to an album in its entirety or read that New Yorker article I have had bookmarked for a week now. While I still find myself sometimes brainlessly scrolling, this shift in mindset has benefited me greatly. I get that satisfaction of being productive by consuming this content, while in all reality, not really doing anything at all.

At least I can say that I am trying.