Blog 1- lore

Okay I have some lore on my (nonexistent) love life. There's this girl in my grade that I crushed on pretty hard last year. Let's call her Vierra. It was a real "She fell first, she fell harder" situation, and by the time I had realized how hard I had fell, she had realized she wasn't ready for a relationship. I confessed to her on the last day of school, huge dramatic confession scene in the empty math room with tears and trauma dumping, the works. For everything in the world, it seemed like the right person, wrong time, because she still had a lot to figure out about herself. So, I took the summer off. Had minimal contact with her, I was super busy anyway, and came into the new school year fresh. Except it seemed that the previous feelings between us had evaporated, and we became better friends than we had ever been before. It was all going really well, and we would take turns reading books to each other, and calling every night. Until a few weeks ago, I never really thought of this romantically. However, just before April break when I went with no Wi-fi for a week, and no way to contact Vierra, I got really sad. Much sadder than I was at not being able to contact other friends for that week. This sort of tipped me off, but then we had the best vacation ever, so I didn't think much of it. However, when I came back from break was when I realized it. Just like this time last year, the butterflies were back, and we were constantly finding excuses to be near each other. We had been planning to hang out before these feelings resurfaced, so you can imagine my excitement when we planned a sleepover at my house last weekend. When the day rolled around, something sort of changed. I could almost feel it in the air. Vierra was a lot peppier than usual, almost to the point where I thought she must be faking it. On the other hand, I felt a bit drained, like Vierra had drained all the energy right out of me. The whole sleepover was very platonic, to the point where I was worried we were being cold to one another. Maybe we both just kind of realized all at once that this was a sleepover? And she really didn't want things to happen at it? I honestly would have been happy with just holding her hand once or twice or hugging her more than goodbye. Long story short, the vibes were off. Now this week, she's been acting colder than ever. Just this time last week we were leaning into each other in class, holding hands and touching thighs, but this week we are as far apart as we can get at those tables. Of course, she's still talking to me, but even I don't really feel the spark that I felt just a few days ago. Come to think of it, she gave me an odd lingering hug on Monday morning, the kind she would give me last week when departing to the buses. I wonder now if that was a symbolic hug goodbye. She also hasn't tried to call me all week or even asked during school. We are halfway through a book; I would have expected her to at least ask. At the very least I don't want to ruin our friendship, even if we are in a bit of a rut right now. I'm thinking of reading with her Thursday night, when I will have some time. Overall, this whole thing is very odd, it seems we fall in and out of love with each other every year. Though she did mention something in English today, we were talking about the diary of Anne Frank. She said she thought Anne's crush in Peter was mostly convenience and then said "I do that too! I tell myself 'I like this person'." I wonder if that's how she feels about me. I can't really complain, as I'm not pining over her at the moment. The crush I had on her only a week ago has abruptly come to an end. I'm mostly just sad now and really don't want our friendship to end like this. I'm also forced to consider the possibility that she was simply leading me on, which is the last option I want to think about. Still, I really am confused about all of this. Longing for the past, a relationship that hasn't worked before, and hoping Vierra has good intentions in what she does and has done.

Anyways, if you have any advice please write it in the comments for me. Specifically advice that isn't "communicate!" because I mentally cannot do that right now.

Have a great day or night!

With love, Fifi <3