talking to myself like a weirdo bc none of my friends are online

it is currently 10:02 pm. i am sitting in my dark room, on my bed. i haven't changed into my pajamas yet. i probably won't, cause i'm a slob.

in the background is nashimoto ui's newest hikigatari stream.

i miss forever cause i love you, i wish fornever caaaause i can't dooo(?)

today was a little boring. i couldn't go to class because it was raining so hard that one would worry about flooding. well, maybe i could've, but i didn't. any excuse will do. not really.

a little earlier i was downloading some free games on itch.io to kill time.

the other day i downloaded the sims 4, but it took up like half of all my gb. i'm currently going through the tedious process of deleting all the townies and houses so i can build my own world, like a little diorama, and then never actually play with the gameplay. this is how i have fun, lol.

i used to move around the furniture in my little cousin's dollhouse and take photos of little scenes. it was a little fun. maybe i'll build a dollhouse of my own some day. probably not.

actually, i know that i have things i should be doing, but i'm not doing them. that's pretty self-destructive in a way, huh? like, i'll do anything but what's good for me.

that's not totally true. i'm trying a little. like, bare minimum...

oh, i love nashimoto ui. maybe my mental health isn't so good, because i've been listening to his songs more often lately. i'm not particularly mentally ill though. i don't know. it doesn't matter. let's completely sever any line of thought. nobody needs to think. yes, yes, i agree. (thinking is good for you, kids! i recommend thinking!)

nashimoto ui... and precure. i'm falling back on old interests. gah. yes, precure. i became a big fan at 12 and it's followed me since.

i dunno why, but there was this weird time period from 2015-2019 where precure was at it's gayest. and like, 2017, kirakira precure a la mode, was peak queer. ignore the fact that there's an actual sapphic relationship between macaron and chocolat, they're FURRIES you guys! that's pretty gay! (joke)

actually, i once heard someone say that gelato's story was kinda trans coded. i'm not trans myself i think, but i understand their perspective. her whole thing is that her parents raised her to be this prim and proper lady, but she actually wants to be a rock star. her whole story is about expressing her true self, having the courage to be she really wants to be. also, she's lion themed, but the features in her cure form are that of a male lion... yeah, that could just be because they're more recognizable as 'lion', but it's still an interesting thing to think about.

blah, i'm too old for this shit.

i'm too immature. there's merit in playing when you're a functional adult otherwise, but i'm not a functional adult in pretty much any way, no matter how you look at it. i've got no plans for the future, no job. i don't wanna live with my parents forever. maybe i'll just marry a guy and be his servant forever, haha. no, not in this economy. can't even fall back on that. but i haven't got any dreams of my own, as nice as that would be. i'm already well primed for that sort of life.

maybe this is too depressing. but it's fine. i doubt anybody is reading it anyways.

two years ago or so, i kept playing with the idea of drinking. like, alcohol. i wanted to know what it felt like to be drunk. i'm a little grateful that it's mystique has kinda worn off, and i was too scared to actually try it. i'm not totally slef-destructive. i didn't realize i had stopped thinking about it as much as soon as i stopped thinking about it. now i've gone back to thinking it's kind of gross.

actually, nashimoto ui didn't help with that. i wonder if anybody on this site has heard 'baka no nomigusuri'? (an idiot's drug). that song scared me straight... they should show it in health classes.

substances are interesting, but i haven't tried any. i wouldn't recommend trying any, either. but they kind of fascinate me. maybe there's some edgy aura surrounding them. oh, i'm such a chuunibyou. lol. they're not fun or cool, and i know that. i'm so pathetic.

in the background, i can hear the click of ui-san's lighter.

i'm getting a hair cut this weekend. i want it shorter again. about chin length. it makes me feel cool. i'd kind of like to dye it, but hair dye is expensive, and my parents wouldn't pay for it even if i felt alright asking them. my dad especially, he'd probably disown me if i dyed my hair a fun color haha. 

he's always saying rude things whenever he sees a woman with a nose ring. i don't get it. he says they look like cows. i hate it. women with nose rings, wear them proudly... i think it's cool. piercings like that must hurt. you're tough.

guys with pierced ears are so attractive. i dunno if i'd call it a fetish, but i think it's pretty sexy. sorry, that's weird to say in public. but while i'm going ahead and dumping my entire stream of conscious...

hifuhihifu lalalalalalala

well, my head is now empty to a satisfactory degree.

good bye.

yes, published publicly, cause i'm a filthy, filthy attention whore. bahah. but why don't i just approach someone else and talk, or read other's blog posts some more, if i'm so lonely? self-centered dummy.