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5/6/25
:extra cap:— I dunno if vents are accepted on a public platform,
—I’m very scared to put this out. If it isn’t accepted my sincerest apologies. I’m just unsure if i’m allowed to say what i’ve had on my plate for a while.
—this is read if you have more free time than you should, otherwise check out more posts that isn’t this long spew from the other people on here!
5/6/25 2:02 am
Sort of one of those vent things I used to see as a kid, though I have no capability of visualizing my feelings as i tried all this time. unlike those on screen I would grow attached to.
I’m sure it’s just an after thought, that all the love is gone, that all my heart does now is pump into the sad sop that is a pixel on a screen, over a format thats way too big for me. Even imagining to have ideas of constant remake since I tried being “Phayti”.
Theres an underlying feeling of unease when I make a new name, throw it out, be someone I turn out not to be. All that time. All those hours putting on a screen what I thought I was. I never got it if using my “real” name was ever my real name.
Or the efforts of trying to reclaim an old name, be someone i could’ve been before running away.
The time I spent fawning over my idols and trying to copy what they do, my hero’s. Turns out in the end I ended up confused, more confused to follow in the snow filled tracks of people who’d never seen a comment from me.
I’m still attached to the past, or at least my idea of it.
It’s getting harder to understand something I never knew at all in the first place.
I’ll have to accept some of my older art things are either over or gone. No way to salvage a memory and to forget.
I still do old habits:
Hesitate posting on the internet, doubt making, doubt everything on the internet.
Be awkward, be annoying, be happy.
Loving something, hating something, never understanding anything.
Back tracking when things should’ve ended.
Maybe this will fill some ache in my bones, the rock in my neck, the blaming of incidents that healed, maybe not.
all the understanding in the world will come to you, not me, or maybe one lucky chain reaction will happen and I get the closure my ID wants to feel.
I’m starting to feel like this isn’t my full track, that somehow theres a healthier outlet that isn’t what direction I’m looking at now. Maybe i’m ignorant, too ignorant. Or blind.
However many people on this planet can be, no matter the situation, I never felt too good being a person i’m not.
It’s doing those things I don’t see myself not being commented on for—making my smooth brain overheat and skip a few stones.
I have hope for more things that aren’t me, not healthy, but makes me feel better for a little while.
If it makes any sense on why this is a long mess, i’m the type to cry while trying to get help over a minor thing like finding something important to me. I cry talking or admitting anything of these feelings aloud unless I know I’m able to throw away pride, ego, and life in the process.
I’m lucky to have the life i’m living but i’ve been blind to the idea of being humble for very long, nor do I think I’m humble now. I’m a spoiled person in my eyes.
If the identity problem in this weird post isn’t enough heres another thing:
I don’t feel very good in my own body, I feel like a stranger in a different persons house. That I possessed a poor kid 16 years ago when I am typing this.
Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if i was separated from this body for a day, or maybe forever, that somehow the poor soul ends up back home and relearns how to live a better life.
If I owed the person that I call my name outside of the internet, I owe them the world.
But “If’s” are stupid right? Stupid to dream.
this might be my first attempt thats this big to get my feelings out without a violent outlet, to feed my silent solitude, my shadow, my hunger.
Then my gender becomes a problem with my identity sometimes, I feel stupid for doing stuff for being a guy and doing stuff like spazzing over male characters and making avatars that most people would say look like girls.
My interests as a kid also elude into that, animation memes. It’s mostly a non-gender thing but I mostly picked up watching the popular ones with girl characters.
Sometimes clothes become a problem, the avatar wears a dress or a skirt, and it makes for an odd feeling I get. Later I take it away to replace it.
—Someday I wanna wear a cardigan and a long black skirt that goes down to my ankles out in the sun alone. Though being with others who don’t say a word of it would be nice too.
It may be the guilt that makes these feelings make some sense in a way.
Nothing in life right now could be too bad, i’m sure behind most of my peers and only decide to cheer on from the sidelines.
For some odd reason I await some sort of ending to automatically come. Unhealthy habit.
If I could vent about a separate topic; i wanna say i’m still in love with a guy who’ll I'll never meet again and never even got that close with me. But changed my life for a great portion. (Got me into art, i love him, i love the dodo bird boy.)
Eat well, sleep well. Love, from Gmations-Phayti-Omie <3
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