MY BF BROKE UP WITH ME PT.2

Hai, so, if you are new to my blog my ex boyfriend broke up with me a couple days ago and im telling you all what hapened betwen us...

Something really personal that marked me a lot is that I have depresive episodes, like really bad ones, not the "omg im so depressed lol" its more like "I cant even take a shower" and he knew that, I really think he liked that I was so dependent in that sense that he would shower me himself... It was a really personal and intimate moment but now it makes me feel odd. I think he liked taking care of me because he knew I needed him (I really need a caregiver who take care of me because illnes, my family and I trusted him to do so) so when he was upset to me he would ignore me, not care about me. I cant assure it was to manipulate me but now it feels like that. To be more especific there was this time last year were I aplied to a job, I was on the finals interviews were it consisted to be in a body exam... Sadly I was sh myself and they did notice. Before getting to the place we had a discussion, when we came out of there I was crying so bad because I knew they noticed my leg being hurt, he ignored me the whole time while we were eating lunch, I needed some reasurance and he kept looking away... 

To be clear, I am autistic and have a personality disorder so yes, I really need someone who is willing to take care of me, even If I dont want them to do it... 

Another thing I cant take out of my head is that he always told me how he was so in love with his best friend since they were children, it did make me feel weird because I knew he still loved her and wishes he were with her. He told me how he would make handmade gifts to her, how he care about her in a level he never did to me, I begged just a card for MONTHS and when I finally exploted I told him I wish he were like that to me, he just said "that (his name) is death now" and I feelt so jelous about it. He told me too that her best friend told him stuff about us when we fought, the context there is that I told him once I used his phone to watch videos with his conscent and recieved an odd message from her best friend that I didnt quiet checked BECAUSE IS NOT MY PHONE and he said "what? did you see what she said about you?" in a really defensive way wich hurted me. Now I need to admit I was really paranoid when he was near my phone because I knew he wanted to see it so everytime he grabbed it I would get defensive and he saw it as an excuse to tell me I was hiding stuff to him (sometimes I did becuase I have my own conversations about him with my friends and it wasnt goods thing that I didnt wanted him to see to not hurt his feelings). Anyway one night he decided to check again my phone and saw a converstation with my bff in wich we were talking poorly of him (dont judge me, we all do this when we fight with out partners and its okay and private) and then confronted me about it and it make me feel so guilty when he shouldnt be cheking my phone in the first place.

and you may ask yourself "why are you telling us?" and its because I really dont have anyone to vent about this or to tell about it and I need to at least someone see me.. just that