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hello to anyone whos reading this!! how was your day??
went back to school today, i always forget how rowdy it gets, and how much i genuinely dislike being there. i suppose thats expected for someone like me but its really the truth.
i suppose it was partially my fault for coming in upset, disassociating has not been fun recently, just the general of smth feeling off or wrong, that nothing is real including myself hasnt been easy, and i havent been able to talk abt it with anyone so i feel kinda lonely, but thats also my fault.
my friend problems are also my fault, they both hang out and seem to be just closer than i am, maybe because im so detached no relationships feel normal idk, but to me it just feels like they dont want me around. one of the worst parts of being autistic in my experiance is how everyone hates you all the time and you have no idea why. dont get me wrong, i get not being the first choice, or being off putting, but these are my friends, i guess i expected more patience or the same relationship even if hang outs dont happen, cs they cant, i dont understand why that means they think its okay to just ignore me unless im actively making fun of myself or helping them out.
every joke is abt offing myself, or being disabled or being useless, and its getting to me. do they think these things is that why their saying them? but if i dont laugh then im outcasted. im pretty its an autistic trait to feel incredible guilt for expressing thoughts or emotions, especially negative ones. just the overall feeling of existing is exhausting.
and soon we have to pick subjects, i just realized how useless i am and by 20 i dont know where i'll be if still here, i dont have any special talents. that means no transitioning or getting out.
and boyfie has been distant and weird but i have no idea how to even start that, i hate arguing. he has full right to be offish if hes not feeling well, but how to help? or atleast make me feel like he doesnt hate me, i cant talk abt it cus it adds to his problems, he doesnt deserve that with the bigger issues. but sometimes i selfishly will mine were a lil more important, cus im really really lost, without sounding attention seeking, i just want comfort.
but its not all bad, visted my grandad whos getting help today, he looks a lot better, little dazed but talking and chirpy, he knew who i was which was awesome !!
might make plans with my friend who seems to enjoy being around me (autism4autism real) so that could be cool, just gotta get schoolwork done T-T
but thats the rant for now, have a great day/night !! take care of yourself please you deserve it<3
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KynKetz
Go have fun with your friend and take it for what it is, time with someone who you can vibe with. We can get caught up in a lot of the bs of whether we are performing well enough for people around us, to a point we feel like nothing is real and we're just faking it. We do what we can, with whatever we have. Go have a good time with people who want to have a good time. Be blessed and stay frosty :)