OCD sucks

Thats kinda a vent post??? a tiny bit sooo dont expect any structure or smart thoughts. 

! THIS WHOLE POST IS NOT AN ADVICE DONT WORRY ABOUT SAME STUPID AHH THINGS AS ME

Some of things that i worry about as person with OCD:

Im VERY hesitant to buy ANYTHING because im afraid that its gonna be useless and i'll just become a hoarder. I already have a little bit of hoarded items, but i try to avoid hoarding even more + i think most of ya have already heard about "tiktok overconsumption problem".

Im very anxious about my health, but i force myself to stfu because what if im just making things up.

I overthink almost every word i say/write that other people are gonna hear/see (even those ones that im writing rn). I watch too much videos about stupid selfish narcissistic people and i dont wanna become one of them. Even rn I think that im being to self-centred with this post because its just MEMEMEMEME. Someone delete my last braincell pls.

Now im trying to form my own opinions, but its annoying asf that my brain keeps analysing which opinions of OTHER PEOPLE are more socially acceptable than others judt because im used to soak opinions like ima sponge since i was a little kid.

Even now i wonder am i cringe or not for speaking up about all that shit. and those thoughts are caused ONLY by content that ive consumed. hmmm maybe i should stop using youtube as well /srs

I worry that i dont even have a personality/identity and the whole "me" is just a concoction of things from the internet. I also wonder if "tiktok induced transness" as i call it (towards myself only) is cureable. I just wanna be "normal" and not feel shitty about this whole gender problem.

Conclusion: i hate my brain and social media, but its hard to stop using either of those. After writing this post ive realised that even while being on meds and therapy and feeling better my brain is still messed up asf. i wish ocd was cureable completely without it ever coming back

Update: I just realised that my main motivation for using youtube as background noise is that my brain is so used to receiving large amounts of information that when nothings entering my mind it doesn’t knows what to do with energy that’s been produced for processing information and I kinda get information cravings or somethings