entry #1

hello whoevers reading this, idea was basically just do a little series of whatevers in my head, idk where else to talk abt it and feel like it matters so... joys !

actually hate the feeling of general nothingness. i have my intrests and they take up most of my head and ways of interactions with others, but when those lose pace or im with a crowd where i cant just put on what im into as who i am, im no one. i dont feel real half the time and devote my life into blocking out the buzzing of silence in my head that if you asked me what i think about myself or who i am or want to be i have no idea. as corny and cringey as it sounds i feel like theres no one really in my body, that i kinda blocked it off now just entertaining people around me with dumb jokes and a half baked show.

i dislike it though, i so despretely want to talk about my experiences, so that maybe someone else could relate or i could be so pathetic to be seen and comforted, but i have no idea how to gwt that close to someone else to share that in order to recieve that comfort. half of it i dont know whats wrong because its blocked. in general i dont feel real that i am made with flesh and blood like others, something much much less then that, that my creation was a punishment of never being fufilled. but im so done ounishing evryone i know with me, its not fair they have to suffer through my attempts to manipulate relatonships or understand whats wrong with me, they have enough to figure out.

i hope i can figure it out how to be normal or atleast stop making the peoples around me lives worse. 

have a great day/night !! please take care of yourself you deserve it<3