Fleeting Warmth before Change

Unpublished thoughts from last year
Every day is starting to feel more like summer, and the transition from winter is terrifying. My brain is finally starting to register that this is my last year in this school, most likely the last year I'll ever see most of those people. I hate them, most of them at least, but it still makes my heart feel heavy to know. I don't think I'll miss them per say, no, but they'll always have a spot in my brain, even if not the best one. I think it might be the weather, the cold wind slowly turning gentle and the sun creating such a warm comfort, I feel terrified at the thought of the moment passing. Nine years I've known these people, nine excruciating years I suffered through with them, or mostly because of them. I'm scared of knowing after this warmth passes, it'll leave me with nothing but bittersweet memories and four years with complete strangers. It's crazy, really, not what I was talking about but the fact that yesterday I've finally come to peace with the fact that I'm alive and that I will keep living. Yet today it dawned on me, as I heard the mourning doves cry early in the morning before the sun rose, just how much everything has changed, how much everything will change, and how much I'm not prepared for any of it.

I felt like six year old me again, when I bathed in the sun's warm kisses listening to the mourning doves sing, something I haven't heard since then till this very day, excited for my first day in school. Most of the people I met that day are still in my class now, but some of them have left, and some new ones joined. I don't know what happened to those who left, I tried to keep contact but it died after a while. I know that the same thing will happen with the rest of them, and then the new people I meet at the next school. It's a never-ending cycle of meeting people, loving them, realizing just how pathetically disgusting they are, and moving on to the next group. Except not, I never move on, I never change the group. No matter how much I grow to hate a person, the thought of change terrifies me. So I stay, like the idiot I am. And then I find myself in situations like I am in now. Hating people too much to want any contact with them after it's not necessary anymore, but being too afraid to never see them again to the point of dreading the end. I wish I could bathe in the sun's warmth again, without thinking of the fact, that it's going to leave me someday.

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