untitled 03.05.25.

you moved on but i stayed. i stayed like you would open the shut wooden door that stinks of wine and old promises. old, old promises of something beyond that door. of something beyond you and beyond us. you were never in the mirror. i glanced upon myself without you there. the only thing i got to see was my two swollen red eyes in contrast to the white snow outside the window. i never wanted to leave you outside in the cold. i have to vomit, i have to let it out, i have to paint this place red just like the apple of my eye, just like the shade of my lips when you said you won't kiss me, just like the date when you escaped your mothers womb marked on my calendar. your poor mother that will never get to hear about me. but she heard about another, and unfortunately so did i. i wonder, do you do her hair? do you make little braids in it, each one it's own lucky charm. are you happy? do your teeth just fly out in bliss whenever you see her stupid face? do you wish it were mine instead? do you ever feel the tides of my mood swings in her walk? does she also know the details of everything you touch and taste? i know i did, and you were generous. so very generous with your illusionary performances. are you stupid? 

i knock at the door knowing you won't hear me. silly me, your eyes are buried under the snow. you can hardly hear, let alone see. i knock three times.. one like the one time you called me by my name, two like the two times you brought her up, three like the three times i came back from the dead. i just cried to myself knowing you won't come back. you can't come back from the dead, can you? perhaps you didn't want me dead or alive,  you wanted me conveniently available, and i slapped myself conscious just for you. i knew that you wouldn't do the same but i was conveniently available for someone that is six feet under. i tried slapping you conscious, i did. i broke your glasses off. your muffled face was stained and i almost wanted to kiss it better. i knew i couldn't do anything else. am i stupid?