Sup Chumpz
As with most lives, there are many dark pitfalls and subjects. Read with caution as I don't know what I will discuss. I try to update when I remember
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AN EMPTY YOU CANDYAUDIOLINE -GOAT PLAYER
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05/03/25
I have to log all my daily achievements, no matter how small because my therapist advised me to. I'm not gonna list them here because they sound kind of pathetic. Every session costs $170, thank the universe for the insurance. I really can't believe that mental health services are fucking privileges, I don't know how else I would receive this help.
I know myself pretty well, I know why I act the way I am or what may be causing out-of-nowhere impending doom within myself but I don't know what to do with this information. That's why I finally agreed to go to therapy because I need someone to process what I know into steps and progress.
I have always been an artist, I realized this when I was younger. The first thing I wanted to do was become a fashion designer.
Then I decided I wanted to become a comic book artist; a mangaka; abstract multimedia artist; comic book artist again; illustrator...etc. I'm also a low-level ( skill-wise) musician. I am these things and then it all stopped. I can't make lines or a stick figure anymore. I have half-baked songs and all I do is decay inside four walls thinking about nothing yet feeling everything horrible. My depression got worse, so it's been confirmed, to the point where I cannot even leave the bed and enjoy anything I'm passionate about.
Yesterday I re-read this book I initially read in middle school titled
" Punkzilla" by
Adam Rapp. Everything about his writing is what my nervous system needs to go haywire. It made me feel horrible the whole day.
Get pdf here. I was the same age as the protagonist when I read this, 14, and I think what got me was that there's probably a kid out there at that very moment living like this. His other characters in different works are more rotten than Jamie and I thought
How would they describe me?
Would it be like
There this Asian chick, twenty-two I think, but she looks a helluva lot younger. I think she's Filipino coz her skin is tanner than mine—she gots the same eyes as [ East Asian character] but the skin of [ Hispanic character].
I don't know why I even want to know. What needs not be said is that it would be a lot meaner with slurs. As I said, they are rotten. Rots are human still, though, of course—and that's what his works explore. The humanity of rots who still have a chance of relinquishing their ignorance in order to grow. What I reference here is mainly The Children and the Wolves. That one was just edgy, the prose for each character was creative, I guess, but I refuse to read anymore of his YA novels because...I don't wanna LOL. It didn't disturb me at all, I just disliked it, it wasn't even horrifying as tagged.
I do want to read his new serial killer one.
I think he'd make a great VTM story.
05/03/25
I am perturbed and discombobulated. I woke up at 7 AM, spent it waiting for my boyfriend to wake up, stretching, doing my personality quiz. I am an INTPT ' Logician'. That seems accurate because I learned to start empathizing with people later in my life and it also applies to the source of my motivation stemming from bursts of energy and inspiration.
I don't want to disclose what made me so disturbed and anxious because it was an occurrence that transpired from a joke. I did a CBT analysis of my automatic thoughts and I don't feel as shit anymore. It involved the supernatural and superstitions challenged by a mere joke.
I'm making pho again. I hyperfixate on specific food at the beginning of months—might be linked to my menstrual cycle. I made pho Sunday and ate pho out Saturday. Now it's Saturday again and I'm simmering broth for five-six hours.
Last night and this morning my thoughts were,
I can already see a thousand years forward and I can see that I never mattered
I'm so overdue, I'm so past the deadline
Then I voice it out and it seems silly. It is. Most of the automatic thoughts melancholic people have are silly and they just need help processing it. It doesn't matter than I'll be dead and will probably be forgotten in a thousand years. I have to make my mark then somehow but that's one in a zillion. What matters is I have to stay alive for as long as I can as to not be selfish. I guess I also do care about myself, so there's that.
05/05/25
The 4th was spent visiting both my boyfriend's parents and my own family. They're all well.
Today I woke up sluggish again but I got up after finishing the coffee he made me. Forever thankful for him.
I played my guitar a little and I'm even drawing a little again.
05/06/25
Day spent in bed asleep. I managed to make my daily toast and dinner for me and my boyfriend. I took the dog out for a walk.
Earlier today there were cops and helicopters everywhere. It frightened my man a bit, he's not too used to that. He was doing a lot of safety measures out of concern for us. My neighborhood before moving was a common path criminals would take so there were always helicopters or cops there. Once there was even a dead homeless man found nearby the house. I assured him we were fine.
Something spiked up tonight, so I wept a bit. Boohoo.
Instead of Team Fortress 2, I've been playing a lot of Fortnite. Like a lot. I knew I'd like it because I'm competitive and it actually didn't take that long for me to learn.
I need to play my singleplayer games. I have to finish another one. Maybe it can be Sam and Max or Outlast. It can even be redneck rampage
Redneck Rampage!-GOAT PLAYER
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05/10/25
I never really thought I was one plagued with constant nightmares and other such unconscious attacks, but with my recent history, I am. It began as early was fourteen, I think. It's too, I don't know—too textbook. I loathe that I am predictable through my symptoms.
5/26/25
So, for a while, maybe four days after my last entry, I had a burst of energy and it hasn't completely left me completely. I have been able to make art and music as I have wanted.
I don't think I can bear another wink of sleep. The dreams are too much to handle sometimes. I like to say that I have become accustomed to it but I can't be completely confident in that statement without feeling like I'm lying.
I have made three songs. I don't know if they will ever be released but they are basically done.
Gauzepl will commence this year and our music will be heard.
The paranormal videos I've been watching have nothing to do with my nightmares because my terrors don't have any ghosts or demons in them, just horrible concepts and situations.
You know, I really don't know what's wrong with me today. This is not a rare occurrence at all, I always feel off and drained but it's almost like a grip on my chest. The one way to stop it beckons me like I'm starving and I need to be satiated.
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I am haunted.
Within my space, light is sparse and does not reach the corners. It was afraid and I was too.
The corner to the left was especially cool when I walk past it. Tonight I comply with my wandering.
I stand, facing the meeting of two walls—the one light refuses to grant revelation to.
Here, I meet the manifestation of my plight, the one who instills all that haunt me into my nightly rest. I ought to come back to bed after meeting it but I remain, assessing where the eyes may be.
At night I am haunted
I am haunted by a youth climbing the branches of a guava tree to watch the cows graze once she had reached the top
I am haunted by the silence of a dog
I am haunted by an unrelenting, swelling rage muffled by melancholy
I am haunted by the pulse of my own heart
This thing, I have come to respect, lifts it's twig—like finger. It was misshapen, pebbled with bumps, skewing against the nature of anatomy.
The nail meets my scalp, though it felt much deeper, as if it reached the cranium. I have let this unfold with no expectations, I tell you that, I did not want what came.
I cannot believe anything else other than I am doomed.
I am haunted until I rot, dissipating amongst the soil
The manifestation's piercing dig into my head spread a prosperous gust of relief down to the soles of my feet
I am haunted and I embrace it
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With chill,
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