3.5.25

Its been a month since i broke up with a guy i thought i would marry.

Ive been through so much emotionally, and to be honest ending a healthy relationship was the cherry on top. From depressed i became scared and from scared i became numb. I woke up and didnt know what i was feeling, if i was happy or sad- i was just existing and that got me back to being scared and then back to depression. Its a cycle that doesnt seem to end.

From hopeful to hopeless, and from sad to miserable i couldnt eat anymore. Every bite i forced myself to take felt like a punishment and i wanted to throw up before it even reached my stomach. Im still in contact with him, and i dont think i ever will be able to detach. It just hurts. It fucking hurts so bad. He is the most perfect precious human ive ever met yet we had problems that we didnt even cause. Distance, family, stuff like that. I always felt weak emotionally because im really sensitive but with him i felt strong enough to fix everything. Or at least try. 

I HATE living with an anxiety disorder. I didnt know how to handle it back then and i let my thoughts and fears affect us so much to the point i blame mostly myself for how we ended. I have never ever in my life felt like this before. He made me feel so loved i actually started to love myself too. Late night talks, playing games together until morning, venting on one another, having each others backs.. so many memories so many pics, so many chats and so many endless calls. Good morning and night texts, deep talks, what i felt for him was so strong sometimes i felt like there is no distance. I hope one day he realises how much i loved him and always will. Whatever that man does i wont change my mind for him. If we dont end up together, i hope the next girl loves him as much as i do and nothing less, even if that means he will love her more than me.

He really deserves the best of the best and if i cant be it then i will pray every night he gets it. I wish he could look at himself with my eyes. Im not good with words so i cant make him fully understand what he means to me, but even if i was- the words arent enough. Every love song, every poetry i read, small things in the day remind me of him. Suddenly i felt like he was a part of me. When he is gone i feel like a part of me is gone with him and its driving me insane. 

And even though we are still in contact, there are ups and downs. Every up makes me wanna marry him and start a family with him and every down makes me wanna kms. I have yapped about this man so much everyone asks me how he is doing when they see me. My parents, my therapist, my best friends- and something that kills me is how everyones eyes loosen when i start talking about our breakup and how genuinely sad they become. Im so sad im able to spread it around the room. So sad to sometimes wish i get over it but so in love i get sad when thinking about getting over him.